Monday, March 08, 2010

The Grouchy, WTF?? Girly Post: Get Offa My Lawn Edition

Kids these days. Sheesh. They'll buy anything. I was at Target today, picking up necessities like new teethbreesh and a rubber bathtub mat to keep me from flashing the boys across the alley (it's the suction-cup kind; I stick it to the bathroom window, which otherwise acts like a window in a peep show: BOOBAGE) and some socks, and I saw...well. You'll see it later.

First, though, this: from the Sundance Catalog, perhaps the most ill-advised skirt I've ever seen for One Hundred And Thirty-Eight smackers. It looks as though the model's bottom half has been eaten by a jellyfish. Or a sea cucumber. Or something.

Yeah, the engineer boots are cute, but who wears Fryes in the springtime with a short skirt?

Next, we have two items from the Jean-Paul Gaultier collection for Target. I was excited, a little, about this, figuring it might be kind of a cool mix of fast fashion and punk.

I was wrong.

Item the first: an adorable-looking striped dress. Unfortunately, it's that nasty sort of slippery polyester that doesn't breathe, that gets pulls in it like a pair of nylons, and that pills up the minute you put your face close to it and say "WASHING MACHINE" in a stage whisper.

Plus, that swagged bit would make you look like one asscheek is six times larger than the other, not something anybody needs.

So very disappointing. And so very sweaty.

Next we have a mustard-yellow halter dress.
Worn over, apparently, a pile of Ed Hardy's vomit.

As I was walking up to the checkout counter, I clamped lamps on this puppy and stopped to run the fabric through my fingers. The resulting expression on my face made the woman at the counter look quizzically at me and ask if I were okay.

Not only is the color even worse (and not marginally worse, but exponentially worse) than in the photograph, but it's PARACHUTE MATERIAL WITH WARTS ON IT. Big warts. Big, pressed-in, textural froggy warts that are only accentuated by the crinoline that is sewn under the skirt (nice touch, actually, that crinoline).

This is, without a doubt, the worst thing I have ever seen. Not the worst dress, not the worst fabric, not the most ill-conceived design, but a flaming combination of all of the above. I can't even express how nasty it is. And it's mostly sold out at the local Target, which means I'll have to see it ON people every time I go to Hot Topic (joke).

Some of you might be thinking, "Jo, you wear pajamas to work and have never been seen outside of work in anything but jeans and a selection of V-neck teeshirts. What makes you an expert on cutting-edge fashion?"

Dude. I know what's ugly, okay?

Therefore, a palate-cleanser. Gaze and be renewed. Thank Frogs for Jimmy Choo.


CandyGirl said...

Glad I wasn't drinking anything to snort up my nose when I started laughing.

I've seen some of those dresses, and while I love the punk style, these are NOT anything I'd ever associate with that... and hideous to boot.

Love your descriptive capabilities!

Bardiac said...

I had a shower window like that. Fortunately, I know a stained glass artist, and he made me a hanging stained glass piece to fit the window. It's great! I can see out (above the stained glass part just barely), and it's bright and cheerful, but there's enough privacy!

Molly said...

I think the skirt/boot combo is really cute.

...of course it's well known that I fail at fashion.

It's just me :) said...

OMG! That had to be one of the funniest fashion critiques I have read in a long time. I agree with every.single.word.

Target is getting to be a scary place to shop. WTH are people thinking these days?

Heidi said...

I'm with Molly! I think the skirt is quite lovely... but ridiculously expensive.

woolywoman said...

Hmmm. Does this mean that I have to stop wearing engineer boot? (leather jackets and tight blue jeans...)

Have you ever worn scrubs anywhere but work, looked around and realized what odd clothes we wear all day?

Anonymous said...

I seem to remember that your Beloved Sister got a dog toy made out of parachute cloth for her 75-lb pit bull mix to play with. She says it's indestructable! I suspect, therefore, that the buyers of that particular item must all own enthusiastic, playful terrier types. We may be witnessing a breakthrough in clothing meant to be worn while playing with destructive dogs?

messymimi said...

I love your take on fashion, and agree wholeheartedly.

So, I'm glad to say, does my 17 year old daughter.

Anonymous said...

I saw that yellow dress at target last night. Thought of you and stopped to touch the fabric. Hideous doesn't even come close.