Thursday, May 13, 2010

In honor of my neighbors, the Man of God and his Lovely Wife...

Ten things I know about babies:

1. Babies are remarkably resilient. You can drop them on their heads and they'll be fine. They're made out of rubber and springs, and can be handled like any other mostly-sleeping animal.

2. Sometimes babies hate breastfeeding. Ur NOT doin it wrong; it's simply a personal preference on the part of the baby. If said baby doesn't like the breast, bottlefeeding does not make you a bad mother. (Corollary: sometimes babies and toddlers are way too fond of boobies. I remember vividly the time an 18-month-old tried to breastfeed on me. Bras, after that, became a non-negotiable item in my wardrobe.)

3. Babies are messy.

4. Occasionally, babies can be surprisingly loud. Luckily, your tolerance for baby-produced noise grows with the lung-strength of said baby.

5. Babies require a lot of *stuff*. Diapers alone take up more space than you ever expected.

6. No baby can stay clean for more than two minutes (max) at a stretch.

7. If you need to, you *can* walk away from a baby, head into another room, and take some time off. Just make sure the baby is on the floor, in the middle of the bed, or in a crib: someplace said baby can't fall off of.

8. If it does fall off of whatever it's in or on, it's not the end of the world. See #1, above.

9. Babies are most easily washed in the kitchen sink, with the spray attachment to your faucet.

10. Babies should be kept far, far away from Auntie Jo, lest she teach them how to say "Dilapidated Motherfucker" at the age of two and give them trumpets and drum sets before they reach grade school.

TMOG and LW's baby is due mid-December. I wondered when I last saw her if she were indeed pregnant; I seem to have an innate Geiger-counter for breeding women. The crazy hippies across the street and I are planning a tie-dye-the-onesies baby shower/party for LW; we'll see how the baby does with eight gazillion people tryin' to raise it right.


bdaiss said...

Oh, and conga-rats to Man o'God and his Lovely Wife!

bdaiss said...

Oh this is awesome Jo! And so true. Although you should probably also note that while baby stuff takes up a lot of room, and you do need stuff, you don't need a quarter of what the "experts" tell you you do.

Not so sure on the lungs to tolerance issue. But you do get much better at getting said lungs to shut.up. much more quickly. (Provided colick is not involved.)

pita said...

#9 is so very true. and if baby decides to poo in the tub, you can bleach the hell out of the sink after you are done cleaning baby.
i think the tye dye the onesie theme is great for a baby shower

Joy K. said...

Toy-givin': Your doin' it wrong! Not a trumpet and drums. A HARMONICA and drums. Harmonicas can be clenched between the teeth and only require inhaling and exhaling to make noise, which leaves both hands free to bang the drum.

Yes, my mother did send this combo home with my nephew when he was living with his mom after she and my brother divorced.

Elizabeth said...

I've moved from getting my nephew the Elmo toy from the back of the shelf (hopefully with the strongest batteries) to the one with replaceable batteries. I love buying loud toys for other people's kids!

Elizabeth said...

Joy, I love your mom more!

Penny Mitchell said...

11. It's perfectly okay if you feel that babies are great for other people but not for you. All my oocytes remained blissfully single because I chose for that to happen. It makes me sad that in 2010 there are people who still feel like there is something wrong with them if they don't want kids of their own, and don't even especially like children. I don't hate children. I just...don't like them.

The verification word for this post is terapped. Interesting.

'Drea said...

Thanks for number one. I still had some guilt from years ago when I was taking a picture of my nephew on the bed and he toppled over. I thought that I had ruined him for life...

Dr. Alice said...

The concept of a two-year-old saying "Dilapidated Motherfucker" is strangely endearing.

Many congratulations to your neighbors.

Jo said...

Congrats to your neighbours :-)

Ref 1/8 - When I was less than six months old, my dad accidentally let go of one handle of the moses basket I was in. I rolled out of the basket, down the half flight of stairs that he was on, out of the open door and into the bus stop outside my parents' flat. No trouble with me then or now aside from mild insanity :-)

Mike M. said...

Too funny! My daughter was born just 5 weeks ago and I can relate to what you said about babies!

messymimi said...

Congratulations to your friends.

Yes, they are resilient. My #1 Son was made of iron -- 3 trips to the ER, two trips to the doctor for emergencies, and 8 calls to poison control by his 3rd birthday.

The kid could climb anything even before he could walk, and would routinely escape shopping carts and run off until I figured out a harness that he couldn't escape. I had the people at the store I went to trained to intercept him and wait until I came running.

Loud toys, words learned from the plumber or neighborhood "Auntie", and lots more fun things await.

Alena said...

Yep, as a peds RN I can attest to this! Kids are like tigger (their tops are made out of rubber and their bottoms are made out of springs). I listen to babies crying in stereo and you do learn to tune it out and just do what needs to be done. And don't be afraid to put the lil stinker in the crib and walk away if you need a break.

Tell TMOG and LW to be careful though, having a newborn during RSV season can be quite the bother. Though I'm not sure when RSV season is in TX though probably about the same as here in the southern CA.