Monday, May 17, 2010

Mom, don't read this.

Good God, I need a keeper.

I went to class today (CEUs! Huzzah!) and, upon leaving Sunnydale, could not find my car in the parking garage. For twenty minutes. I walked around for twenty minutes, occasionally hitting the "lock" button on my key so my horn would beep, before realizing that I had parked in the exact same space I have parked in since beginning work at Sunnydale in June of 2002.

There were no groceries in the fridge when I got home, so lunch was Fritos and cheese sticks with a side of Torpedo Extra IPA. I would've had some black beans with that, but I realized when I pulled 'em out of the fridge that I couldn't remember actually cooking black beans at any point in the last, oh, year, so they probably weren't safe to eat.

I am misplacing my apostrophes.

And worst of all, I have lost all filters. When Annoying Former Manager Whom Everyone Despises asked me what the little widget on my badge was, I said, "A tiny horned toad." (I like horned toads. Sue me.) She replied, "That's gross." I said, with more of an edge than I normally allow into my voice, "Everybody else who's seen it thinks it's cute; what's wrong with you?"

Her reply? "I hate bugs." (cue giggles from everyone around us.)

My reply to her reply? "Oh, I see. You're stupid." (giggles turn into open laughter.)

I need a keeper. Just for the next month or so, until I get on to days and get used to them. Please. Come grocery shop and mow my lawn and cook me soup and potatoes, and I will pay you handsomely.

Also, I just shut the cat in the window. He did not make a single protest about being squeeshed; I realized it when the window refused to shut on the third try.

All applications welcome. No experience necessary.


David said...

Poor kitty glad he is alright and still loves you just because that's what animals do.

In the long run days will be so much better to your health and mental well-being, and the cats too.

Why not call Mom that is what they are there for, well most of them. I would offer but sometimes my mental capacity lately seems to be lacking, but between the two of us survival might be possible? Alas chances are you do not live within a 1000 miles of here.
Happy hunting.

Alpine, R.N. said...

~laughs~ I feel your pain. I'm "home" at my parents house for two weeks, and realized that the house has not been cleaned since the LAST time I was home, a month ago. I understand that they both work, but THESE PEOPLE RAISED ME!!! And they cant even find their own dry cleaning!

Being a keeper for only ONE person sounds considerably easier...they didn't even do the laundry!

Heidi said...

Dooooood. Nights are messing up my apostrophes too! One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is the misuse of your/you're, and lately when I read "you're" in a sentence in which it's being used *correctly* I automatically think "Ugh! It's supposed to be 'your'! What is wrong with--oh, wait, duh."

I am in nerd hell.

Holly said...

I hope you find your punctuation soon! I read one of your recent posts to my husband the other day. Since then, he can't stop using the word "boof". We now refer to our dog as "the boofer". It's such an appropriate term for the woofs our pup tries to make in his sleep.

'Drea said...

I love your question: What's wrong with you?

Sometimes these questions just need to be posed. I've wanted to ask it on more than one occasion.

Anonymous said...

Sooooooo - what state are you in? I want you to keep blogging so I'm more than happy to bring you soup and potatoes. Seriously, I love your blog and your acerbic sense of humor. It's beyond me why more nurses don't stab people in the eye.

ZANE said...

Try spending 20 minutes looking for your car before you remember that you didn't drive to work that day.

messymimi said...

Sounds like you are having one of those months.

I always cook extra, so you are welcome to stop by.

Cartoon Characters said...

You know, I started to do the same thing around your age.....and it doesn't get any better, believe me. It's called "the change of life"
and in one way it sucks and in another way it is quite liberating. ;)

Penny Mitchell said...

I saw a woman wandering around the parking lot of Target yesterday, scowling and hitting the button on her car key.

I almost reached over to pat her on the back in a consoling fashion, but it looked like she would have ripped my arm off and beat me with it.