Friday, October 02, 2009

I mentioned I don't like you either, right?

You know that phrase "wheels off"?

I'm coining a new one: "wheels still sort of on, but making really funny noises, and gosh, it kind of worries me." Okay, maybe that's a little long. It still describes my day.

How is it, I ask you, that I can perfectly understand the structure and function of the heart, the way EKGs work, and whether or not a missed QRS complex means you have a block on Wednesday, then find it all impossibly dense on Friday? How is it that I can identify rhythms on one day, and not manage it two days later?

How is it, for that matter, that my grass can go four fucking weeks without needing to be mowed, then suddenly, it needs to be mowed twice in one week? It's not getting mowed today, and thus won't be mowed for the forseeable future, because it's supposed to rain from now until the Four Horsemen show up on their My Little Pony-style steeds. I fully expect to see Max slinking through the waist-high grass by this time next week. He'll have fun pretending he's a big lion on the veldt; I'll have fun trying to mow the back yard on just two Neuton batteries.

And cat hair. I had cat hair everywhere today; yesterday, there was none in evidence.

I'm beginning to sound like Andy Rooney.

Honestly, though? It's all beginning to hit, what I've done. I'm basically starting over in my career, and I miss my friends from the neuro acute care unit. We were family for nearly eight years; they got me through divorce, trauma, happiness, my sister getting married...and I just plain miss them. There are inside jokes my new colleagues just can't get, and quirks I have that they're not used to, and that makes the transition hard.

The guy who changes my oil went from being a sweet, kind of clueless nerdy type last month to having fresh tattoos of zombies on his arm and rivets in his ears today. *That* was a shock.

Max is getting grey around the muzzle. There's no other evidence that he's getting old; in fact, he's more active now than he was two years ago. But I still notice, and I wonder how much longer he'll be around.

And I'm fighting off, simultaneously, whatever bug is going around at Holy Kamole (fever, chills, nausea, diarrhea; not the H1N1 flu) and a bladder infection (hooray for cranberry capsules!). In an attempt to give my body what it needs, I've bought sour-cream-and-onion chips and Ben & Jerry's.

Frankly? I could use a hug. I wish my long-lost Polish buddy Arek were here; he gave the best damn hugs on the planet (partly because he was, like, seven feet tall and three hundred pounds, with an enormous curly red beard). I could use a couple of glasses of wine with Friend Pens. I could use a really, really good dinner with little deep-fried squidlians and endive and all those things I don't normally eat, then a walk in cool weather along a river I'm not familliar with.

*sigh* Potato chips and soprasetta for me, kids. And artichokes and clarified butter. And another beer, and another week, and maybe things will improve.


Kimberly said...

I only know you from your blog, and you don't know me at all (but for the occasional comment), but I'd give you a hug if I could. (Hope that doesn't seem creepy.) I applaud your courage, and feel certain the new job is going to turn out well.

I'm also grateful for your encouragement of new nurses and nursing students--at nearly 41 next year I'll fall into that latter category.

I really enjoy your writing--keep taking care of yourself; I hope you get that walk by a river sometime soon.

Rat said...

I will do a drive by hugging...if you can pull the huge knife out of my *gasp* back....

NEED BEER. LOTS OF BEER. IV BEER..oh wait then I couldn't taste it! Might as well hard liquor up then! I think I drank some antifreeze! Got any Everclear around?

danielle said...

"sigh* Potato chips and soprasetta for me, kids. And artichokes and clarified butter. And another beer, and another week, and maybe things will improve" And a huge huge virtual hug!!!!!!

Penny Mitchell said...


I know it's so easy for me to say, but this too shall pass.

Just keep remembering all the incestuous bullshit that was going on on your old floor.

Remember how frustrated you were there.

Remember how much you love learning new things.

You will be fine!!!!!!!! I promise!

(You don't KNOW how bad I wish I was there to have those glasses of wine with you!!!!!)

Crabby McSlacker said...

Sending non-creepy virtual hugs from here too!

Maybe you need a couple of zombie tattoos of your own?

I don't know if you're the same way, but when I'm fighting off a bug I get grumpy. If if I were fighting off a bug and an infection, it would be grumpy times two. Of course I don't think it's me feeling grumpy, I think it's the world being extra sucky, until my immune system triumphs over the invaders and the world is suddenly much more cooperative again.

But then missing good friends is hard. Just worse when you're feeling crappy.

Anonymous said...

Sending you beautiful energy for recovery and wellness. Take some time to look at the Harvest Moon and think about blessings; to ask for courage.

All good wishes!

Molly said...

Do cranberry capsules work? I've heard contradicting things. And having UTI symptoms myself (out of town, so my long-suffering doctor had to diagnose me over the phone and gave me cipro - dear god I hope it works this time), I'm unusually curious to know.

Hope you find someone to give you that hug in person.

shrimplate said...

EKG stuff about hearts and all is kinda easy.

Brains are much more complicated. All warm and wet and kinda mushy. And all those neurons! 23 billion just in the freakin' cortex.

Bees are much better off. They only have to lug around about a million neurons, and they get by.

Anonymous said...

I'm another hanger-on who only knows you from your blog and like you've told us new nurses (some of whom were close to *ahem -50:( when we finally got a license...keep yer chin up.

Yes, as an oncology nurse, I can testify that we're all going to die, probably me before you, but man, what a ride! Get a good night's sleep and consider yourself hugged.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Anonymous said...

too bad more of us dont have a nurse as good as you .

Anonymous said...

There is a humourous but helpful explanation of the cardiac conduction system / blocks at