Friday, September 10, 2010

The word of the week:

REFUTE.

I'm just a-sittin' over here, refudiating everything.

By golly. (*wink*)

I got up this morning and put a flashlight into my mouth (all the more amusing if you know that the flashlight is one of those spatula-shaped ones with the LED lights and the flat handle) and shined it on Cap'n Lumpy, and said out loud, "Aagh aaaghooee aaaghooo ooo ehh ehhooo eeeee aaagheennnng *gronk*."

Translated, that means "I absolutely refuse to let you be anything nasty."

It's not denial. I understand quite clearly that this could indeed be something awful, but I cannot dwell on that and get anything done. It's more the stubbornness that comes out when somebody either tells me I can't do or shouldn't do something, or that options are limited.

So, listen up, Cap'n Lumpy: You are benign.

It's interesting to be in this position, of not knowing, that so many of my patients have been in. (What a sentence; sorry.) I'm finding that the advice I used to give in absolute cluelessness is actually pretty good. Such as, "Panic for a full 48 hours at a minimum. Once you're done panicking, you can make decisions."

And, "For God's sake stay away from Google."

I didn't do *that*, of course. Instead, I went online as soon as I got home and started looking stuff up. Then I realized that my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating, and that this was not necessarily a good thing, and I stopped. Because, really? Nine out of ten of the things you see on Google, or read about, are both absolutely textbook examples of whatever you're looking up, and also the most severe, awful textbook cases you could imagine.

It's also interesting to note that what I always used to say about paranoia is true: No matter how calm you are intellectually about something, small things will start looming large in your lizard brain and make you crazy.

F'rinstance, I woke up with a headache and stuffy sinuses this morning. Given that I'd spent the whole day yesterday alternately sobbing hysterically and swigging Scotch, this should not have been a surprise. Instead, though, of looking at stuffy sinuses and a headache as a sign of overindulgence in both panic and alcohol, I immediately figured that Cap'n Lumpy had invaded my sinuses overnight and was going to kill me in the next ten minutes.

*sigh* Geez m'knees, woman. Get a freaking grip, willya?

I have to thank everybody again for their continuing thoughts and prayers. I laid in bed this morning for a few minutes after the alarm went off, feeling really fortunate to have all you guys rallying around. So, thank you.

Provided the reputing works, and the prayers work, and I slide out of this unscathed, I will have learned about sixteen dozen gross new good lessons about all sorts of stuff. And no, I don't intend to list them all here.

If everything goes south and I do indeed have a Planet-Destroying Horrible Yikes Thing in my head, well, at least I've gotten a kicky new purple toothpaste and some free floss out of it.

22 comments:

me said...

Shit it is.

Holding a quiet space for you of comfort, strength & healing.

I'll be there with you Tuesday ~

me said...

PS ~ I'll bring the Glenfiddich

AM said...

There are just no words to make it better. I'm asking the universe to give you a break on this one; and a giant refutation to it all.

Scrub Ninja said...

If your toothpaste is kicking you, I think you may be doing something wrong.

thursdaynextgal said...

Here's a song you can dedicate to Cap'n Lumpy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAV0XrbEwNc&feature=player_embedded&has_verified=1

Lots of profanity and a great tune!

REH said...

Just hanging out, enduring the waiting with you.

messymimi said...

Hugs and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Been there - a brain tumor - my thoughts are with you. I don't know that I'd have been able to use this at the time, but since I've gotten used to the idea, it has actually made me less fearful and more able to use my time well. (Still far from perfect, mind you...) 'Cause it makes me remember that time spent worrying is time I'd really prefer to spend some other way, and under the circumstances, I am actually able to do it.

I'm not a nurse, just an outide admirer. But I bet you've seen some impressive serenity in patients who have had to deal with stuff. It really happens. Even tough answers can bring good things with them.

Not that you'll get a tough answer - but I know too well that the waiting is the toughest part.

I also remember what I heard from the doctor early in the path to diagnosis. He's a pretty matter-of-fact, blunt guy, not in a hurry to take things too seriously. He put his hand on my shoulder & said, "Hang in there." From him, it was a pretty strong message that there was something to worry about. And I know that, before we know exactly what that message means, our minds can play some pretty nasty tricks on us.

And I know that I am still alive and well and stronger than ever 12 years down the road. You will be, too. But as you wait, I recommend all kinds of self-indulgence!

Engranon said...

Okay, now THAT sounds more like the woman with whom I have been posting for 12-13 years now! Of course, I totally understand the panic part. Absolutely reasonable and not to be denied when it comes again.

Hey! Cap'n Lumpy! Leave my friends alone!

Anonymous said...

unmasked lurker - adding to the chorus of 'crapity crap' and warm fuzzies/good thoughts in prayer for good news soon.

Swifty, PhD said...

Jo, A complete stranger here who likes to stop by and read your stuff. I'm holding a good thought for you that Cap'n Lumpy is a no account bum who means you no harm and will soon be out of your life. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

sending you much love.

Kori (long time reader/lurker/nurse)

Jill said...

If only I were there to do my best "TV Evangelist-Healer" impression: "In the name of Jee-bus! I ree-byuke you eeevil Cap'n Lumpy! Be Heeel-duh!" Followed by a palm-shove to your forehead, whereupon you fall over backwards and are caught by whoever else is in the vicinity. Couldn't hurt, eh?

I'm a longtime lurker, just letting you know that you're in my thoughts.

shrimplate said...

Jo, you are a deep and beautiful person, and death itself cannot change that.

All the goodness you have ever created has been written down in The Great Book Or CD-ROM Of Everything That Has Ever Happened, and there it stays, permanently.

Also abvailable in Blu-Ray.

Love to you.
shrimplate

Gretchen said...

When I've got something going on, I *try* to remember that until I know for sure, I don't know for sure. I'm just making assumptions so I might as well assume the best for now. There will be plenty of time to freak out later if the news is bad. Doesn't always work, but sometimes...

'Drea said...

Glad that you're in refuting mode. I will continue to send out refutations in this corner of the world as well.

Hang in there...

Homemaker Man said...

You are in my thoughts. Refute and refuse and make sure to continue to kick ass. And take advantage of as much of the outpouring of sympathy you're getting as you can. 'Specially if it's benign. That stuff'll dry up fast if it's benign.

Jo said...

Homemaker Man: I would be more than thrilled if this good-thoughts shit dried up and people went back to being snarky. In fact, that's what I'm hoping for.

Celeste said...

The best advice I got during A Thing I went through was this: don't go hunting trouble, make trouble hunt you down.

Until somebody confirms you've got some badness, you don't. I hope you won't submit to any sorrow you don't need to feel.

I realize it's not snark, but it's all I got after having taken my spawn to a party for the worst behaved child I ever met. Jaysus. I'm lifting a glass to us both tonight!

Celeste said...

The best advice I got during A Thing I went through was this: don't go hunting trouble, make trouble hunt you down.

Until somebody confirms you've got some badness, you don't. I hope you won't submit to any sorrow you don't need to feel.

I realize it's not snark, but it's all I got after having taken my spawn to a party for the worst behaved child I ever met. Jaysus. I'm lifting a glass to us both tonight!

JacquiBee said...

I'm sending you some good luck from Christchurch New Zealand cos we got plenty this week...and love because I want to share that with you too. Plus here is some free medical advise. Keep patting the animals xxxxx

JacquiBee said...

I'm sending you some good luck from Christchurch New Zealand cos we got extra this week... and some Love because I want to share that too. I think your treatment plan to keep patting the animals is a sound one xxx