Friday, September 03, 2010

It's a conspiracy.


Damn, that's some sharp eyeliner.


When I eat a mostly high-protein, low-carbohydrate diet, my back is broad in relation to my hips, and my waist mostly disappears.

When I eat carbohydrates, my boobs and butt get so large that my waist looks small by comparison (like a VW Bus would look small by comparison to a mastodon; let's be real), and my belly gets all voluptuous. I wiggle. I jiggle. I look like Girl, Inc. (It's water retention. This is why people on Atkins lose fifteen pounds in two weeks: they diurese like crazy.)

My beloved coworker Anamma brought me rice today. And potatoes. And jackfruit seeds. And a tiny amount of chicken, with the bones still in, all in curry.

And my beloved coworker Susamma asked me what sort of Indian man I was looking for, exactly.

I've got it all figured out: they want to marry me off to an Indian man. The only way to accomplish this, apparently, is to make me into a smaller-nosed Ganesha, and then introduce me to all the brothers/brothers-in-law/cousins they have.

I'm on it. There's still flatbread and roti and curry with cauliflower to be had. Athletic build be damned; bring on the starch!

4 comments:

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Starch and Dairy make my diet.

woolywoman said...

giving up carbs and curry would e like giving up o2. Weird, because both my parents and my kids have to leave the house when I cook curry- then my husb and I eat it in peace. Dumb kids.

Celeste said...

I have your same metabolic issues. It's a cruel trick of nature which I cannot commend in any way.

messymimi said...

The path to happiness and a good marriage is paved with curry? So that's where I went wrong...