Thursday, June 04, 2009

Yet Another Freaking Brilliant Idea, Offered Free Of Charge

You know what you need when you have a head cold, a ton of homework, or some nasty chores to get done?


Not just any MOMS, but my new idea: Mediation Of Malady Service.

It'll work like this: There will be a force of several thousand women in their mid- to late-middle age (say 55 to 75) who will arrive at your door with whatever's needed to make you feel better in the midst of a cold or personal crisis.

Break up with a boyfriend? MOMS will send a calm, cheerful woman in a flowered top and elastic-waist pants to your house. She'll be carrying a gallon of ice cream, a couple of Liz Phair CDs, and a teddy bear.

Got a head cold? MOMS has a wide selection of MOMS from which to choose. There's the Jewish MOM, who shows up with kosher chicken soup and crackers. There's the Thai MOM, who comes in all energy and grit, with a pot of tom kha so hot it'll singe your eyebrows. There's the Midwestern Methodist MOM, who carries a casserole and some back issues of "Good Housekeeping". And then there's Jo's MOM, who arrives in a sweatshirt and jeans, with some home-made chicken enchiladas and a remarkably powerful hot whiskey-and-lemon.

Got a deadline that's making you sweat? MOMS will dispatch one of their qualified technicians to make quietly kitcheny noises in the background while you work. Once every two hours,your MOM will come in with a plate of cookies or a sandwich and make you take a break. 

Got a house that needs cleaning, stat? MOMS has the specialist you need. Your carefully-screened MOM will arrive with bucket, mop, broom, can of Endust, and all the energy of a pack of laborador retriever puppies on speed. Dust bunnies won't stand a chance.

If you have the flu, a *really* bad cold, or have just gone through more than one personal crisis at once, MOMS has a special product: GrandMOM. GrandMOMS are a little older, a little rounder, and smell like sugar cookies. They come armed with whatever you need to weather your storm, plus a radio that only plays big band tunes from the 1940's and a purring cat. Extra charges will apply for GrandMOM service, but when you need it, you need it.

See? With ideas like this, I could retire next week. Except that I've got a nasty cold and no energy to implement my plan. One of you tigers will have to do it. Then send me a MOM, willya?


Just a little snarky said...

Funny. How about the mentally ill moms? She argues with the water heater and claims someone broke in and left jewelry she's never seen on her counter.

08armydoc said...

I'm in. What's the MOMS toll free 800 operator (helpfully staffed 24/7 by real people - none of this computerized stuff for us!)

Beth Young said...

I'd like a live-in combo MOM, please.

Jeff said...

Sounds like a great idea to me.