Monday, June 14, 2010

The downside to being single

I was thinking about this last night, as I was cooking hashbrowns to go with my breakfast-for-dinner entree of Boca Burger and Muenster omelette (don't knock it; it's quite tasty). There was nobody around to say to, hey would you mind scooping the cat boxes because I forgot to do it before I started cooking and now I have to make sure the onions don't burn.

I thought of it again today, after hauling myself out of bed at 10:53 ack emma (in my defense, I did get up and stay up in the middle of the night) and trotting out to the grocery store. I have a sore throat--not the kind that comes on suddenly and necessitates antibiotics, but the viral sort that just lingers on and on. And I needed soup and juice. And beer. And guaifenesin. And there was nobody to send for it.

So, yes. While being single rocks overall, there are parts of it which, situationally, suck.

I suppose I could put an ad up, maybe on Craigslist. The thought of actually joining something like Match dot Com is entirely too frightening; besides, have you seen what's on there? Guys who either work out twice a day, or list the requirement of liking NASCAR. As my personal ad would probably be titled "WOMAN WITH PULSE SEEKS MAN WITH SAME", I don't think I'd get too much of a response. Especially as I would be tempted to use a picture of a velociraptor as my profile picture.

So. Let's assume that I put up an ad. I don't really *want* a boyfriend, but I don't want to advertise for somebody to come 'round and get me soup and make me tea when I'm not feeling well, and to scoop the cat box when I'm busy. For one thing, putting the words "cat box" in a personal ad would attract two kinds of attention, both of them the wrong sort: the first from men who think that "cat box" is a coded phrase for Something Else Entirely; the second from men who would be willing to scoop said box (the more I say that, the awfuller it sounds) and take out the trash and make a cup of tea, but who would insist on wearing a leather harness and calling me "Mistress" while doing it. The former is too much trouble to explain away; the latter is too much work.

Therefore, I suppose I would have to advertise for a boyfriend. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of personal qualities that translate well to personal-ad-format. For instance, I can make up bad song lyrics at a moment's notice and have a gift for limericks. I'm a hella good cook, but mentioning "hella good cooking" brings to mind women in aprons with immobile hair and a rictus of joyous fulfillment at the thought of a new vacuum cleaner. Besides, my grooming is inconsistent at best. Somehow,

SQUATTY WOMAN WITH INCONSISTENT PERSONAL GROOMING SEEKS MODERN-DAY ADONIS FOR LIMERICK RECITAL, TRASH REMOVAL, AND CAT-BOX SCOOPING. MUST BE FINANCIALLY SOLVENT AND NOT INTO WEARING BONDAGE GEAR OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM. PLEASE HAVE EQUAL FACILITY IN QUOTING SAYERS AND PEELING GRAPES

doesn't seem like a formula for success. Especially not when paired with a velociraptor snap.

Oh, I could hire people to do it for me, I suppose, but there's the problem: it would take multiple people to do what I need done. The drunken man who pounds on my door twice a week offering to mow my lawn is not the person I'd trust to feed my animals. Nor is a cleaning service likely to take kindly to the suggestion that their already-overworked employees trim back the bushes along the fence line. (You'll note that I did not include bush-trimming in the example above. Combined with a mention of personal grooming, that too raises unpleasant associations.)

Is there such a thing as husband-rental, and does it come by the hour, and without the need to nag? Because that's truly what I need. I'm not, however, willing to put up with either the expense of getting married or the irritation of picking up 1500 socks every day, none of which the owner of said socks will claim. And divorce is just a flaming pain in the ass.

Any newly-minted nurses need letters of recommendation? Because I'd be happy to write some. If you'll come scoop the cat box and trim back the bushes and mow the lawn.

19 comments:

Judith said...

You can actually hire a husband in NZ! www.hireahubby.co.nz. It's a home maintenance service, their motto is "from the front gate to the back fence - and everything in between." (Though not quite everything, I'm sure.) They wear pink shirts, which is a nice touch.

Love your blog, visit it nearly every day.

Dr. Alice said...

Go to Amazon and look up these books: They Call Me Naughty Lola and its sequel, Sexually, I'm More of a Switzerland. They are collections of personal ads from the London Review of Books which are very funny, original and interestingly contain few if any claims about good looks. On the contrary, some of the writers vie to describe their average boring selves in the worst, if wittiest, possible way. It may give you some ideas. :-)

Nurse Bear said...

I was just thinking this today, as i dragged my butt home at 10am after a long day of work and realized i had to scoop the cat boxes and take out the trash.

Of course, i was then reminded that i would have had to do these things even if i were still with The Ex, so hey. This way i get kittens and green beans and peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

As a guy in my early thirties I have been meeting interesting women on Match. If I can filter out the floozies I'm sure you can figure out a way to find what you are looking for. Writing and posting the profile was a bit daunting but easy enough.

Anonymous said...

Honey, what you need isn't a rent-a-husband, its a WIFE!

I am temporarily single (hubby's on a church mission trip) and while I have enjoyed watching the "WE" and Hallmark channels on TV, the whole litter box-dishwasher-making my own coffee thing is getting old already!

Pattie, RN

Silena said...

I think that would be the best personal ad EVER. Especially with the Velociraptor picture. :)

Anonymous said...

I work with a couple of average looking women who swear by match.com. they have been dating like crazy and eventually a crazy. However, they have gotten good at weeding them out...I am shocked and surprised there are that many guys out there that would consider dating them, but I guess there really is a match for everyone - even schrek!

Marjorie said...

How about finding some male friends? I have a few of them and they are completely platonic. They are single and looking with the understanding that I am not part of their candidate pool. We offer each other help and companionship, minus, uh, intimate relations.

It's nice because I feel like I have someone to dine out with, call when I need home improvement tools (and help), or a shoulder to cry on when I can't understand men. If I feel like cooking, they are the perfect guinea pigs.

Just a suggestion... :)

Loki said...

Find a male nurse. We tend to fit that sort of description, plus you can vent about nursing type gross stuff while eating and nobody gets phased.

Find someone at work who is chill and optionally male, invite them over for dinner and beer. Rinse and repeat.

If I wasn't averse to the state of Texas, I'd take you up on that letter of recommendation.

messymimi said...

I agree with the anonymous who said you need a wife. That was my first thought.

There is also a group in the US called RentAHusband. I'm not sure if they are in your area, and they work by the job or by the hour.

Tonina said...

It almost sounds like you need a rent-a-mom. Cleaning the cat box, trimming bushes, providing care during illnesses, running to the store - those are all duties I cover as a mom!

So maybe you don't need to brave the dating sites after all....

gorochan said...

met my hubs on match.com, he does the cat box (for three cats! it's large) and the laundry and occasionally cooks. I would post just about that bit you wrote in jest, because it might just catch the right dude. Then screen screen screen..

A NURSE said...

I found my husband on yahoo personals. He is a great match. Not only is he a manly man that does manly things....but he also is a great cook...loves to clean the house and doesn't mind cat box stuff although we do now have a catgenie...he does laundry and all the ironing....plus he has a job and a house. Funny thing is, I was at the neighbor's at a little "do" and found out that not only THEY found each other online but their other guests did too!

There are great men out there. Ya just have to continue to be very picky. :)

A NURSE said...

Oh. And I forgot to mention. He is VERY good looking. AND younger than me. (I stole him from the USA. You can have a Canadian in exchange if you like....)

terri c said...

You could find women who are good at maintenance too. Then you could have a glass of wine and vent about incomprehensible men when the chores were done...

terri c said...

BTW I love the potential ad. I can't imagine what mine would say but now I'm thinking about it.

nurse XY said...

LMAO, say you're not too far down the street if I remember correctly. I might just take you up on that LOR offer!!

Becca said...

I met my girlfriend on OK Cupid. It's free and I reckon quite user-friendly.

Please, please just join a (any) site and post up what you said in this blog. They'l be lining up at the door!

snarkygurl said...

I think you should give it a try. My account with match.com had an extremely goofy description and a photoshopped picture of me as Mothra (searching for my Godzilla). I met a shit-ton of crazies, made some great friends, and eventually found my husband through them. That was 11 years ago.

If we lived a little farther north, I'd loan him to you for cat box duty in exchange for some of your recipes.