Thursday, April 15, 2010

Jo versus the Collection Agency Guy: An Epic Saga

The telephone rang early this morning, awakening me from a very pleasant dream involving Dr. Teeth and about six pounds of ice cream.

Me: *gronk* Hullo?

Collection Agency Guy, cheerily: Good Morning! May I speak with John Lastname?

I have what's about the third most common last name in America. I also have a very common first initial. My first initial and last name are how I'm listed everywhere, including in the phone book. This has been the source of problems, not least of which is the tendency of collection agencies to call.

Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.

CAG, cheerily still: But you know John Lastname, right?

Me: Nope. Can't help you.

CAG, less cheerily: You don't know John Lastname?

Me: Nope.

CAG, getting snarly: But he gave this number as a contact number. You've got to know him. Let me speak to John Lastname!

Me: You. Have. The. Wrong. Number.

CAG, outright fang-laden: This is John Lastname's number! He gave me this number!

Me, through my teeth: Bullshit. This has been my number for the last six years. At no time has anyone named John Lastname ever lived here. Furthermore, I do not know anyone named John Lastname. I also do not know anybody named Jane Lastname, Juan Lastname, Justin Lastname, Joe Lastname, Jeannie Lastname, or Jack Lastname. I do not know any of those people, those people do not live at this number, and you cannot reach ANY of them at this number. Especially not John. Fucking. Last. Name. You got that?

CAG: ... ... ... ... ...

Me: Hullo?

CAG: Wow. You must, um, get a lot of these calls.

Me: Yes. Yes, I do. Have a nice day.

CAG: Um... you too?

Finis

8 comments:

Laura said...

Heh. When I do that my husband calls me a Bene Gesserit witch (i.e. turning on The Voice).

Jo said...

Laura: HA! I guess John Lastname didn't pay for his last shipment of Spice.

Jose' said...

I got a new phone number, digital voice as it were, to the the package deal. Ringer off.

I get nothing but debt collectors. Usually 2 a day. Sometimes I call them back. Most times I dont. If anyone is worth me talking to, they have my mobile.

'Drea said...

Way to let him know he had the wrong number.

I got one of those calls at 8:30 on a Sunday morning. I went off because they were looking for my aunt who recently died. Her mail has been forwarded to my place and I cannot believe the people who have picked her name up out of the *airwaves.*

Halie said...

And this sass is why we all love you Jo!

Gossamer1013 said...

I get that call for some dude whose name doesn't even rhyme with mine. Have same conversation with caller, albeit not having been woken up...lather, rinse, repeat. Finally get them to realize I don't know the dude. That works for about a year, then it starts again. This has been going on for over five years...and we have a private number.

Seriously, what part of "you have the wrong number" leads them to think I might know whomever they're trying to reach?

messymimi said...

Collection agents are scum, and you can tell they are lying if their mouths are moving.

They also have high turnover because it is a lousy way to make a living, being mean all day.

Your way of dealing with them is the best.

A NURSE said...

You are lucky....at least he was civil. I had one that called me a "bitch" out of the blue just because i wouldn't play.

I am jealous of your name. Problem I have is, there is no one else in the whole world with my name....so if someone has my name, they can find me on the internet- easy. I try really hard to keep my name off the internet...googling myself every now and then.....having once worked as a prison nurse....