Sunday, June 27, 2004

The things you learn watching TV...

I rarely watch TV. Therefore, on the days when I work out in the weight room, I make it a point to find the baddest TV possible and really immerse myself in it.

Today it was three miles' worth of treadmilling to a movie on the Sci-Fi channel called "Arachnid." Arachnid is apparently Latin for "movie so bad it'll make you giggle and almost sprain your ankle."

Here's What I Learned

Spiders large enough to kill people are bulletproof.

They therefore must be killed by a man with a machete.

Not just *any* man with a machete, however. The machetes of Loyal Amazonian Natives Who Guide The White Folks Through The Jungle are apparently not good enough.

Further, spiders large enough to kill people spit poison and have nasty screams and icky bitey parts.

The poison, however, has no apparent effect on Our Hero. Even though a loogieful of poison is enough to knock a Loyal Native Guide and The Friendly Acceptable Black Guy In Fatigues out of the action for twenty minutes, it does not affect the hero.

Nor do the icky bitey parts. A love tap on the throat with said parts is enough to kill the Learned Spanish-Accented Entemologist but the same bitey bits won't penetrate Our Hero's neck.

A Learned Spanish-Accented Entemologist can produce a surprising variety of agonized cries even after a Big Spider has eaten eaten his throat out.

The Cute, Busty Curly-Haired Nurse will get it first (after all the natives have been eradicated, that is, and just before the Acceptable Black Guy bites the dust). This makes me wonder about my idea of doing medical missions.

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