Thursday, December 20, 2007

When it hurts, I cuss.

Prodigally. Fluently. Creatively.

When it hurts a lot, I just make a sort of "Ehnnnggaaaahhh" noise

Today, because I know how to have fun, I stepped on a needle. It was large, but there's no such thing as a small needle when it's going through your foot.

It went straight through the ball of my foot, between two bones (thank FSM for that), and tented the skin on top of my foot, just north of the second and third toe space.

The going-through wasn't as bad as the tenting, and the tenting wasn't as bad as the pulling-out. Like babies and bad oysters, that sonofabitch hurt more coming out than going in. But, after I'd made the requisite "Ehnnnggaaahh" noise and sat down heavily on the side of the bed, there was nothing for it but to pull the damned thing out.

[My earliest memory is of looking through the French doors into the dining room of The Old House at my father as my mother rushed me upstairs. Seems I'd stepped on a needle at whatever age it was (two? Three?) and the needle had gone into the bone of my heel. I have vague memories of watching her pull it out as I sat on her lap in the rocking chair, but the strongest memory is of Dad looking up from his desk in the dining room (which was then his study) and seeing his face go slack.]

This was not that bad. In fact, the worst part of it was momentarily feeling the lump in my skin where the needle eye wanted to break through (because I had, of course, stepped on the thing wrong-end-up). Chef Boy was right there, grabbing my arm and keeping me from becoming hysterical. Bravo, Chef Boy.

So, after a moment for contemplation of the possibilities, off I went to see my friendly neighborhood Doc-In-A-Box. The MD entered the room with the words, "How's the seamstress today?"

Everybody's a comedian.

I have a tetanus shot in my left shoulder and 500 milligrams of Keflex to put in my belly thrice daily, as it would be a bad thing (as the MD pointed out) to get an abscess in my foot just before Christmas. Silly me, I thought an abscess was a bad thing at any time.

I also have about 300 ml. of Pommery POP champagne in my belly. Yes, it's only 13:24. Yes, it's a weekday. But dammit, I finished my Christmas shopping after getting a tetanus shot and stepping on a needle; I'll be damned if I face the rest of the day without help.


Anonymous said...

I told my manager about this. I saved the best for last: it was the blunt end of the needle. He said "I am never letting you tell me a story again. Unless you are holding the talking stick, and I will never give it to you."

Bardiac said...

So, just think east and it's after 5pm somewhere!

Hope your foot feels better fast.

Jo said...

Thanks, Bardiac! I'm feeling fine as froghair; the only thing that hurts is where I got the tetanus shot.

Alanis Morrissette didn't cover that in "Ironic", did she?

Kris the Girl said...

I know that exact "Ehnnnggaaahh" sound - my mom made it when she stepped on a toothpick that had been used by her children when playing with clay.
We weren't allowed into the clay for a long time after that.

@yrsis - Hee!

Cuttlefish said...

A friend of mine sat on a knitting needle... it bent, halfway through her thigh muscle. Her husband was a med school resident at the time, and had told her stories of the E.R.

The triage nurse asked "what seems to be the problem?"

"I appear to have a knitting needle stuck in my leg."


"Why, so you do."


OUCH! My sympathies, Ms. Head Nurse... I know there is nothing I can do to take the pain away, so I will just thank you for sharing it with us...and I hope you don't have the same reaction to tetanus shots that I always do...