Friday, December 14, 2007

Things I have learned on my winter vacation:

1. I am a cheap-ass S.O.B. Instead of dropping twenty-eight smackers on an in-drawer knife holder from Williams-Sonoma, I cut off part of the cardboard center from a roll of shelf liner and cut slits into it. Insta-knife-holder, for free, which not only keeps the knives from getting dull, but also prevents unwitting finger amputation! (I also use magazine subscription cards and those "Have You Seen Me?" things as coasters. Yes, I suck.)

2. I am a clumsy mother(shutyomouth) as well. Friend Pens the Lotion Slut and I were exiting the local shop-n-snack when I tripped and fell. Spectacularly. On dry, flat pavement. That was probably the highlight of Pens's trip, sadly.

3. I am not as good a cook as I thought. Friend Pens and I visited another friend of ours, who made such wonderful food I felt thoroughly spoiled in less than 12 hours. Of course, any recipe that starts with butternut squash and 3.5 cups of half-and-half will be good, but still. Plus, Bek and her husband live in a pastoral setting just up the hill from the Brazos and have a firepit. It was a perfect visit. Perfect.

4. Lane Bryant *rocks*. I went there just a few days ago for the first time and was amazed. I'm technically (in Big-Girl Speak) a "tweener"--somebody who can wear a 10, 12, or 14 depending on the cut. LB specializes in Big Girl clothes, and man, does their stuff *fit*. Every shirt I put on fit my lats and shoulders. Every pair of pants and skirt I tried fit my weightlifter's thighs and butt--*and*! you can buy pants with smaller or larger waists, so those of us with a size 10 waist and size 14 butt won't go naked! They're having a huge sale right now, so go. Seriously. I'm still not mentally over not being a size 6 any more, but the staff and clothes at LB made me feel normal and sexy and stylish.

5. My dog rocks more than I ever thought possible. Hanging out with Max for two weeks uninterrupted made me so grateful to have him around. He's smarter than most people I meet and better-lookin' than all of 'em.

6. I am capable of heretofore-unimagined feats of laziness. The first five days of vacation? Couch. Chair. Eat. Sleep. Beer at noon, with pizza. Couch again. The only time my metabolism got off baseline was when Atilla the Cheerleader showed up to make me run and lift weights. I have no memory of my first week off, and it was heaven.

7. I don't miss having a TV.

8. Not working is highly underrated. The most I did regarding work was to visit my work email and read the occasional, short email, then delete it.

9. If they'd pay me regular wages for staying home, I'd consider it.

10. I am going to be very sad to go back to work. Very sad. Especially when the alarm goes off at oh-dear-thirty on Monday.

11. But I still have two more days!


Bardiac said...

Enjoy! Sounds great, especially Max :)

Penny Mitchell said...

In no particular order:

You missed Two Foot Fred (look it up) as he was tripping you. You just didn't look down far enough.

I will not, even with threatened with death, cast the deciding vote on who is the better cook.

I can confirm that Max is better looking than EVERYTHING on the planet.

You need to stop lying about how bitchy Evvie is. This is your only fault.

Everyone needs a faux-feather bed topper. Everyone. It would bring world peace.

The champagne wasn't THAT bad.

shrimplate said...

Today I met the biggest dog I've ever seen in my life: an English Mastiff that weighed 230 pounds.

He had a mouth that could snap off a telephone pole with just one bite, but he was the most gentle creature. I would be too, I suppose.

Jo said...

Shrimpy: one of the people who shares my vet has FIVE Neapolitan mastiffs. The smallest is 175 lbs, the largest is 225. Holy Kamole.

Mastiffs are wonderful. Too bad they only live about six years. *sigh*

head chef said...

You forgot to mention how you totally rocked your new outfit at the OMG-not-a-company-party!1! party.

my .02

Cuttlefish said...

I am so seriously crushin' on you...

What a wonderful vacation!

Welcome back!

Jo said...

Cuttlefish: Did you move to One Aphotic Avenue? Is that why you're feeling crushed?

(I've always wanted to use the term "aphotic" somewhere, sometime.)

This is Sixty said...

Oh Yeah. I'm all about LB. I love it that I can find something that fits, doesn't make me look like I'm 70 and I don't leave there thinking I need to lose weight. The cut of their clothes is perfect. My basketball tummy doesn't protrude from under the blouse. Instead it hangs perfectly on my frame and transforms me into the MILF I have in my head. Welcome to our world.