Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Burma-Shave-worthy offering from my sister:

"When you're sick
Here's how you know:
Even doctors
Mutter 'Whoa.'"

I learned today what you do not want to hear when you open up your trap for the prosthodontist. What you do not want to hear is one tiny syllable, uttered in a quiet voice and with force:


That noise means there's bone exposed on the backside of what used to be your palate, before your palate was removed by a nice man who resembles a wading bird, and it's exposed because the prosthetic palate that the pleasant prosthodontist fit to your trap has rubbed the flesh away from the bone.

Note that I did not actually feel this happening. I thought the prosthetic was irritating one of my adenoids, or a softer bit of tissue further back in my throat. I was completely unprepared for the


However, the prosthetic now fits like a dream. I no longer sound nasal, my hard k's and esses have improved, and I don't have to rinse the thing every ten minutes to remove built-up spit.

Aside from the whole bone-showing, owie-zowie thing, it's great. With a couple of tiny modifications, this will probably be the palate that I end up wearing from here on out.

I still want glitter, or rainbows, in the final version.


Allison said...

Glitter, absolutely; so that when you're sipping champagne cocktails in some sophisticated venue, and you toss your head back to laugh at a witty comment made by your dark and handsome date, the light will reflect off the roof of your mouth like a thousand tiny fire flies. Or something like that. Happy to hear that things are improving.

Abilene Rob said...

Glitter, rainbows. Some blue LED's would be awesome. Also, a tiny little Inspector Gadget robot arm with an itty-bitty little retractable flamethrower. Maybe you could have him put in a secret compartment for smuggling very tiny things? How about a miniature receiver that vibrates your skull to play music that only you hear? Could he slip a graphic design in under a layer of laminate? I'm thinking a treasure map, or a reproduction of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

This is the kind of "whoah" you should be going for. I'm just sayin'.

Cr0w$C@ll said...

and a unicorn, or a mer-man
they're you go.

Laura said...

My retainer plate was glittery and rainbow striped (seriously).

Because a retainer is totally like a false palate, right?

Lynda Halliger Otvos (Lynda M O) said...

Sending a rainbow; glitter gets stuck in my teeth, same thing will happen to you !~!

Penny Mitchell said...


messymimi said...

Listen, Doc,
This thing cost money,
Please make it right
So I don't talk funny.

Glitter. Assuredly.

terri c said...

What do you have to do about the bone???? Yikes. I think if you want glitter AND rainbows you should have both.

Mel said...

I can vouch for the fact that you never want a medical professional looking at any part of your anatomy and responding with:
Any expression of panic or revulsion.

I was sick in April. "I thought it was a cold but maybe it's a sinus infection? It's getting worse.
NP laughed and said she'd take a look at my throat. She then visibly recoiled and said "ew!"
She apologized right after and we laughed about it.

"You look great on the outside!" And then she wrote me a script for antibiotics.

I totally vote for glitter and rainbows. Or at least your favorite single color. It would be the least they can do for the whole 'bone-scraping' incident!

Rosanna said...

My husband Jack (an Electronics Technician) was *genuinely impressed* by Abilene Rob's ideas----(in his 8:05 PM Comments, Above)----for your prosthetic palate, particularly the robotic arm with the retractable flamethrower; and the miniature receiver to play skull-vibratory music that "only you" can hear.

Jack says that you could line Rob's LEDs up on each side of your prosthesis, i.e., like on an Airport runway for incoming planes with their ILSs (Instrument Landing Systems); or have a musical memory chip----(as in a Musical Greeting Card)----EMBEDDED in your prosthesis, with a Bluetooth on/off switch in ONE of your earrings, and a miniature speaker in your OTHER earring.

When you'd really want to *impress* your dark and handsome date----(that AM mentioned in her 8:02 PM Comments, Above)----you could, with the right programmed microchip, just open your mouth; quick-flip your Earring Switch "on"; and ............ ROAR like "Tony the Tiger," (haha)!!

These additional Prosthetic Ideas are all from Jack----he thinks you *rock* big-time, Jo!!

Jo said...

@Rosanna and @Rob: The blue LED landing strip idea might be a little too appropriate, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

As for Rob's idea of the tiny space to smuggle things, actually, that was suggested by Dr. Elf himself. I was having trouble with "secretions" building up atop the palate, so Dr. Elf said, "Why don't I hollow out a little space here, so that the secretions can drain into it?"

I said, "But I'd still have the same problem of sounding snotty, plus I'd have a teaspoon's worth of garp to deal with."

So he kept it solid and slanted it down and all is well.

Which reminds me of a story only fit for the comments: (Mom, back away) When I was starting DATING again after the surgery, I had to talk to Dr. Elf about the roughness of the palate right behind my teeth and how THINGS could CATCH there. I was having trouble making myself understood until Molly, one of Dr. E's techs, elbowed him in the ribs and shot him a significant look. "OH," he said, "Yes, certainly we can deal with that," and immediately filed the offending plastic down.

It helps to have women as allies.

clairesmum said...

Ok, I'm chuckling away - my husband asked what was funny - just said it was a girl thing - he's one of those folks who gags if you say the word 'nausea'! The exposed bone sounds icky, hope it heals up soonest. I'd go for the rainbow and not the glitter, if there's any chance the glitter can leak out, etc. Glad you sound better already.

shrimplate said...

No suggestions nor jokes from me today, Jo. Just wishing you well.

Anonymous said...

I will add "I wonder what that is", when said by my dentist examining my X-ray.