Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Eternal questions, 00:50 edition.

Why is it so difficult for you guys to write additional medication orders on the lines provided for that use on the preprinted protocol orders? You write 'em in the margins, you write 'em top and bottom; you will never learn. As a result, I have a hard time telling whether your prescription reads "Decadron 6 mg IV q 4 hrs ATC" or "Fuck you; I'm an ANTEATER."

Why do patients always wait until 0600 to suddenly become totally unresponsive? They then go for a stat CT (shout-out to the dudes who pull 96-hour shifts down in radiology: you guys rock!) which shows that they have no ventricles left, thanks to swelling, and everything has to be done RIGHT NOW.

Likewise, how come two patients always manage to break their restraints at the same time everybody's running around like chickens, dealing with the brain-swelling patient?

Why have you not learned yet, Skipper, that you need to write all the lab orders you want at once? Not that it matters; I learned from working with you on the floor that I just need to yank a rainbow and grab some pee. The lab'll hold onto it until you figure out what it is you want.

Also, I know you guys have a shower and a really nice, spacious, homelike bathroom in the call room. (I slept there once when three inches of ice coated the highways.) Why don't you use it? Remember: fifteen minutes of hot water poured over your head equals eight hours' sleep! And it makes the nurses who have to stand at your shoulder during rounds that much happier.

Why do the nicest patients have the weirdest family members? I don't mean unpleasant or demanding or obnoxious; just *strange*. Like, crystal-hangin', goji-berry-smoothie-funnelling-into-feeding-tube, wild-eyed strange.

And how is it that White Castle burgers taste the same whether you get them out of the freezer case, from the restaurant, or out of the vending machine at County? In the same vein, who the hell invented the coin-operated ice cream vending machine? I would like to kiss that person.

I would also like to kiss the person who invented evening primrose oil, which knocks me out. And so to bed.


Crabby McSlacker said...

I would just as soon NOT know that you can get White Castle burgers and ice cream out a vending machine.

And this is at a hospital? Fortunately I have not had occasion to spend much time in hospitals (since I'm not a medical professional) but I've always been amazed at how little healthy stuff they seem to have in their cafeterias. Good to know that no matter what the hour, one is never forced to go without burgers and ice cream.

katie hanson said...

Jo, I have read your blog for a few years now and you never fail to make me laugh (and cry). I've never commented, but thought it was time. I'm a blogger now, too, and I know I love comments, so I bet you do too. :)

Also, I awarded you, and I know you probably don't acknowledge things like that. But your blog really is a daily read that I look forward to and you consistently make me laugh out loud. So, I tagged you, but I totally understand if you don't participate. :)


Rat said...

Evening primrose,huh? What is it with the 'P' flowers? Passion Flower capsules or tea (yuk) knocks me out better then a hand full of the knock-me-out-drugs that Dr. I-only-need-to-see-you-once-and-ask-about-30-questions-and-charge-you-and-your-insurance-company-a-gazillion-dollars used to spit out like tic tacks. Funny, now that I am not seeing him, not taking a hand full of knock-me-out meds and sticking to Passion Flower and one head pill, I am a much happier, more normal person. Then again....maybe it was getting rid of my ex-husband.

Halie said...

Too funny. My doctor recently wrote me a prescription that was so illegible the pharmacist I handed it to said, "this is a joke right?"

Jose' said...

Hm. Likewise, not in the medical profession, but laughing constantly. This post reminds me of the nightshift nurse that was charged with telling us that the strange dead-like odor coming from what we perceived to be the fold-away chair in the room was not the chair at all; rather, Dad farting (pretty sure he wasn't eating ice cream or White Castle burgers at that time). I'm not sure if a) he knew he was doing it, b) was just not telling us he was doing it, or c) both. Truly, we thought some body fluid of some type was permanently bonded to the fabric of the chair...our bad.

Andrea said...

The goji-berry smoothie reminds me of this family member that sold one of those pyramid-scheme vitamin supplements, like Herbalife or something. Their loved one was undergoing brain death testing and was completely unresponsive to any sort of stimulus. But they made sure we mixed up and poured this weird powder full of enzymes and protein and probably goji berries down the NGT cause it was going to cure that patient! It was so sad.

I'm back to blogging again. Link included in my comment thingy.

StorytellERdoc said...

Funny stuff...some of your observations hit it right on the head! Well done.

Dr. Alice said...

I want to frame that anteater picture and put it up in my exam rooms. Too bad I can't. :-D

cna training gal said...

Thats a legendary picture of the aneater King! lol