Sunday, January 11, 2009

Things that do not impress me: An abbreviated list

1. That you are a Marine.

It impresses me not at all that you are a Marine. It impresses me less than not at all that you're a Marine if you tell me this repeatedly, at the top of your lungs, in between hollering obscenities. Marine, civilian, or little box turtle, you're all the same when you have a subarachnoid bleed.

2. That you are friends with the founder of the hospital.

If you really were, pal, he'd be here visiting. Trust me on this.

3. That you are a retired surgeon.

The last time you practiced, nurses were still wearing skirts and caps (I wish I were exaggerating). This does not make you qualified to direct your own care. Moreover, the fact that you're in the hospital with a brain injury makes you even less qualified to direct your own care.  

4. That you, at 30, have spent more time in the pokey than I've spent in school. 

Convicts and criminals do not scare me. Nor do they impress me. Your teeth, however, are a different matter--I find the ones that are left both scary and impressive. How'd you let 'em get to that state? It's like something out of the dark ages. Kinda explains those multiple abscesses and the two mycotic aneurysms in your brain.

5. Peeing on the floor as a form of protest.

If you really wanted to impress me, you'd go pee on the board of directors' conference table. Doing it in your room just means one more damn thing for me to clean up.


Lisa G said...

This had me rolling!!

RehabNurse said...

Oh, jo, I love the Marine comment. We get all sorts at the VA and a few weeks ago we were comparing notes.

Our worst whiners were the former Marines, and I say former, because they didn't act like any other self-respecting Marines we've taken care of. We have Army veterans of serious, freeze-your-toes-off combat with large, open wounds who whined less than these characters.

Surprisingly, the best guys to deal with lately have been the Air Force and Navy people, as well as some of our active duty people. No fuss, no muss...and they know to be kind to the staff...amen!

Anonymous said...

OH... I think we have all had 'those' type of comments.
And yep, none of the above impress or scare us.
I often wonder what patients are expecting us to do when they give us their 'schpeel'?
These are the days of our lives...

Anonymous said...

what was this, the holy week of brain bleeds?

woolywoman said...

Ok, so it's been Brain Bleed Week at my hospital, too. Last week was Metz to the Brain.

Marines are the worst whiners. Especially, do not tell me how much combat you have seen and then scream like a little girl when I stick you for your iv. Especially do not jerk your arm dramatically, because then I have to stick you again.

Our hospital actually had a Penthouse suite for founder and family. I think the last VIP cooled their heels there in the 1960's. So glad those days are gone. Can you imagine the strain of being their nurse/airline hostess?

Anonymous said...

Had a good laugh at this one, Jo. I am also not impressed by people who can't let you get their vitals b/c they're on the phone w/Bill Clinton or Bill O'Reilly and I've had both. I was however, impressed to know a guy who did Elvis' facelift. And his embalming.