Saturday, October 07, 2006

A Quick Quiz

Do you qualify to be in or near my hospital? Take this simple quiz to find out!

1. Little Billy has had vomiting, diarrhea, and a low-grade fever for four days. Do you:
a. Keep him at home until his symptoms subside
b. Take him to the pediatrician for evaluation
c. Stock up on Pedialyte and ride it out
d. Take him to the hospital to see Grandma, who just had an open aneurysm clipping?

2. You arrive an hour and a half ahead of your admission time. On being told there will be no bed for fifteen minutes, do you:
a. Go outside and peacefully smoke a cigarette
b. Pick up a magazine and look at the pretty pictures
c. Engage in charming conversation with your spouse
d. Exhibit behavior that requires a visit by Security, a call to the cops, and an arrest on charges of assault and battery?

3. You are concerned about your mother's well-being. Do you:
a. Ask your mother's nurse for updates during the day
b. Ask the charge nurse for updates during the day
c. Ask the doctors for updates during the day
d. Walk into the nurses' station, open your mother's chart, and then exhibit behavior that requires a visit by Security?

4. You are an employee at a busy hospital. You have a cold. Do you:
a. Stay home with DayQuil and some movies
b. Sleep it off at home
c. Have friends bring chicken soup to your house
d. Come to work, snot and sneeze all over everything, and infect half the floor?

5. You are a doctor writing transfer orders for a patient. Do you:
a. Ask the charge nurse for the transfer order protocol
b. Write the transfer orders on independent order sheets
c. Make the effort to have legible handwriting
d. Jumble transfer and in-house orders together in an impossible scrawl and, when told that's not acceptable, exhibit behavior that requires a call to Security?

If you answered A, B, or C to any of the above questions, you are not qualified to come to the hospital in any capacity. If you answered D to any of the above questions, please come on down and join the herd of a whole lotta stupid that's been goin' on.


Engranon said...

Well, at least the Security folks are keeping busy. Yeesh. I want to think that you are being humorous, but I know that it is all true.

It's also good to know that all of the stupid people are not out here on my freeways (most days I'm not convinced).

Unknown said...

Oh dear! Sounds like you are having a fun time of it at the moment! We have had some problems with the staff in the residential home I work in - as soon as they heard a client had MRSA, some of them wouldn't even touch the cups he had been drinking out of! No calls for security, though...!

Anonymous said...

If I'm supposed to be admitted to your hospital, and I start throwing punches, and you call the cops, and they arrest me, can I sue you for calling the cops and therefore keeping me from desperately-needed health care?

Clearly your working environment has high standards and I don't want to slack.

Sid Schwab said...

Anything that leads to a call to security rates extra points and a ticket to return. And if security needs to break up a fight between your family members, you get lunch for the week.

woolywoman said...

If, of course, your hospital has no beds, then the D responders would feel right at home where I work....but way cool, if you could actually call security on a doc.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear!

I may be a candidate.

I worked a 12 hour shift sick as a dog. Why? Because my OTHER cohort on the night shift called in sick and they were only able to piece one full shift together with two nurses covering eight hours. So we were STILL down one nurse when I came in AND the night from hell commenced.

I did not, however sneeze on patients as the nectar-of-the-gods Afrin kept my nose open and my airway patent.

I did, however require Lomotil. Which may be more information than you needed to know.

I'm thinking the next layer of skin on my hands (I washed the original layer off) will be back in a week.

But...I did not require that security be called. So maybe I'm not quite a candidate...

God, I love my job.