Things nobody tells you, but really ought to.

In honor of Nasty, Brutish, and Short Day (that being my temper at the moment), here is a list of things nobody tells you, but really ought to.

1. Dansko and Birkenstock have their excellent reputations as work shoes not by chance, but by design. Go ahead and spend the rent on clogs; your feet will be thrilled. Nursemates, Candies, and other lesser brands are recommended only by podiatrists with boat payments to make.

2. Any budget that passes a hospital review board must include ridiculous cuts in differentials and holidays. Therefore, cheer not before you read the fine print.

3. If your spouse leaves you for another person, you will be angry for a long time. Not kick-ass angry, not drive-fast angry, but angry to the point where all love song lyrics sound bitter and vengeful. Angry to the point of contemplating the purchase of a sledgehammer. Angry to the point that you review, every few months, the ways in which you still hold your ex-spouse's balls (figuratively) in your hands. Angry in such a way that you will wait years, if necessary, for the one fleeting opportunity to fuck up his or her life beyond recognition.

4. Most of the time, though, after the first few months, you won't be angry. It'll just surprise you now and then, when it comes.

5. Sixteen pounds of hand weights is more in the bag when you're hauling it upstairs than when you were lifting them earlier.

6. Puppies are good mojo for almost anything that ails you.

7. The difficulty you will have with any medical equipment is directly proportional to the status of the patient on whom it is being used.

8. The amount of feces in a patient's bowels is inversely proportional to their level of consciousness and geometrically inversely proportional to their level of orientation.

9. Tincture of benzoin will never come out of white fabric. Don't even try.

10. A shopping spree at Target may not mend all wounds, but it sure will make you feel better. Combined with a puppy encounter, it's almost unbeatable.