Why is it so difficult for you guys to write additional medication orders on the lines provided for that use on the preprinted protocol orders? You write 'em in the margins, you write 'em top and bottom; you will never learn. As a result, I have a hard time telling whether your prescription reads "Decadron 6 mg IV q 4 hrs ATC" or "Fuck you; I'm an ANTEATER."
Why do patients always wait until 0600 to suddenly become totally unresponsive? They then go for a stat CT (shout-out to the dudes who pull 96-hour shifts down in radiology: you guys rock!) which shows that they have no ventricles left, thanks to swelling, and everything has to be done RIGHT NOW.
Likewise, how come two patients always manage to break their restraints at the same time everybody's running around like chickens, dealing with the brain-swelling patient?
Why have you not learned yet, Skipper, that you need to write all the lab orders you want at once? Not that it matters; I learned from working with you on the floor that I just need to yank a rainbow and grab some pee. The lab'll hold onto it until you figure out what it is you want.
Also, I know you guys have a shower and a really nice, spacious, homelike bathroom in the call room. (I slept there once when three inches of ice coated the highways.) Why don't you use it? Remember: fifteen minutes of hot water poured over your head equals eight hours' sleep! And it makes the nurses who have to stand at your shoulder during rounds that much happier.
Why do the nicest patients have the weirdest family members? I don't mean unpleasant or demanding or obnoxious; just *strange*. Like, crystal-hangin', goji-berry-smoothie-funnelling-into-feeding-tube, wild-eyed strange.
And how is it that White Castle burgers taste the same whether you get them out of the freezer case, from the restaurant, or out of the vending machine at County? In the same vein, who the hell invented the coin-operated ice cream vending machine? I would like to kiss that person.
I would also like to kiss the person who invented evening primrose oil, which knocks me out. And so to bed.