It impresses me not at all that you are a Marine. It impresses me less than not at all that you're a Marine if you tell me this repeatedly, at the top of your lungs, in between hollering obscenities. Marine, civilian, or little box turtle, you're all the same when you have a subarachnoid bleed.
2. That you are friends with the founder of the hospital.
If you really were, pal, he'd be here visiting. Trust me on this.
3. That you are a retired surgeon.
The last time you practiced, nurses were still wearing skirts and caps (I wish I were exaggerating). This does not make you qualified to direct your own care. Moreover, the fact that you're in the hospital with a brain injury makes you even less qualified to direct your own care.
4. That you, at 30, have spent more time in the pokey than I've spent in school.
Convicts and criminals do not scare me. Nor do they impress me. Your teeth, however, are a different matter--I find the ones that are left both scary and impressive. How'd you let 'em get to that state? It's like something out of the dark ages. Kinda explains those multiple abscesses and the two mycotic aneurysms in your brain.
5. Peeing on the floor as a form of protest.
If you really wanted to impress me, you'd go pee on the board of directors' conference table. Doing it in your room just means one more damn thing for me to clean up.