Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Freddy Mercury: Still Dead.

This has been one of those weeks in which you could look at the glass half-full or half-empty. Or half-empty or half-empty, unless it was filled with a good single-malt, in which case it'd be gone before you could tell.

Bad: La Schwankienne is cutting staff, cutting beds, but not cutting the number of surgeries its surgeons perform. This has led to understaffing and stressful bed crunches.

Good: La Schwankienne Hospital has announced its new program: Facilitating Patient Independence. Cardiac patients will now be taught to monitor their own rhythms, since there are no more monitor supervisors to do so. Orthopedic patients will perform their own physical therapy with the help of colorful instructional materials, since there aren't enough physical therapists. And patients with brain injuries will learn self-sufficiency by administering their own medications in the proper doses at the proper times, as there are no longer enough nurses. Those patients who are well enough to take care of other patients will receive an additional loaf of brown bread and an extra measure of gin with dinner.

Bad: I've tried to get in to two houses in the last two days, only to find that purchase contracts were signed on them Friday afternoon and this morning, respectively.

Good: My interest spells good luck for someone else.

Bad: We've had flooding here recently.

Good: It gives me an excuse other than seasonal writer's block for not blogging, as it's difficult to write with a snorkle on. Additionally, the rising waters are driving away the obnoxious Californians who moved in to the area five years ago and pushed real estate prices to an amazing level.

Bad: Holy Kamole, our sister hospital, had a nasty power surge that cut off the oxygen generators for an afternoon.

Good: We got to get rid of all those silly oxygen cylinders that were cluttering up the hallway. And some of those silly patients as well, as there won't be oxygen enough to get them down to the ICU if they code.

Bad: It just started to rain again.

Good: West Nile Virus-carrying mosquitoes are practically nonexistent this season, as they like to breed in stagnant water. There's been so much rain that they, like the Californians, have fled to less-turbulent climes.

Bad: Freddy Mercury is still dead.

Good: Someone, somewhere, is building a time machine that will allow me to go back to 1975 and warn him about GRID or HLTV-II before it becomes AIDS.

I can dream, can't I?


shrimplate said...

Staffing cuts. What a great new idea. Think of all the money we'll save. Maybe enough to start another war.

ERnursey said...

Hey.....I'm from California and I'm not obnoxious. Or am I, hmmmmm.......

that big girl said...

The best part of this post is the fact that having patients become responsible for monitoring their own rhythms and passing their own meds is listed as on the Good column.

oh, freddy.

Jo, take heart. I don't think that Freddy would listen even if you could fly around the earth enough times to get to 1978. He would say something sage and pithy in a melodious voice and wander off.