Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Star Wars: A Guide For The Newbie.

Yesterday I met two people who'd never seen a single "Star Wars" movie. Tragic. Having just seen Ep.3, I hereby present my own capsule versions of the movie, to bring other Tragic Teens up to speed.

Episode Four: A New Hope...for about ten minutes.

Despite its name, the first in the series. Whiny kid plugging womp rats hooks up with mysterious monk-type, wild-and-crazy spaceman and his giant ape companion, and cute princess. Mayhem in the form of cantina scenes and space war ensues. (Note: Pay attention to the cantina scene. At the time, it was the best special effect bit most of us had ever seen.) Happy ending complete with medals and Wookie hollering.

Episode Five: What the Hell Am I Doing On This Swamp-Planet?

Whiny kid, now no longer a kid, gets frozen. Then he thaws out on a swamp planet with a wise monk-type Muppet. Meanwhile, crazy space-cowboy turns into HanSicle, much to Princess's distress. Wookies. Pseudo-Oriental philosophy. A large sluglike creature. Space wars.

Episode Six: In Which Billy Dee Proves He Has No Rhythm

Carrie Fisher in scary hair extensions! Luke, I am your father! Dead Yoda! Happy Han and Leia! Ewoks, most of whom sadly survive! Chases on rocket sleds through Northern California! Bad ending with Billy Dee Williams clapping off-beat!

Okay. We've gotten through the first three. Now for the prequels....

Episode One: In Which We Encounter Anakin, Savior of the World

Small child with incredible powers. Two monk-types, one of whom is much younger than the last time we saw him. A guy in scary face paint and horns. Chariot races. Space wars. Yoda, but younger. We meet the Princess, mother of the Later Princess.

Episode Two: The One I Don't Remember Very Well

Er....lessee. Princess falls in love with Whiny Teenaged Anakin. Politics. Clones. Politics. Space wars. Er...Politics. Something about a secret marriage. A REALLY REALLY IRRITATING GUY WITH LONG EARS.

Episode Three: In Which All Is Revealed

Pregnant Princess. Pushy Palpatine. Arrogant Anakin. Observant Obi-Wan. More Wookies. Better bad guys. Tragic ending with half-burnt half-corpse on the bank of a lava river. The best opening sequence since the first movie. Samuel L. Jackson looking oddly out of place. Yoda, kicking ass.

And now the cat (my very own quadripedal Sith Lord) is drinking out of my water glass, a signal that it's time for bed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of the most recent movie (which, IMHO, basically sucked - "If you are not with me, you enemy" because that's not a cliche, right? Anyway...) was that R2D2 and Yoda both kicked some serious ass. Since when was R2 so cool? "bleep bloop beep!" means "Burn, suckers"? Cool.

I like your short versions. Funny. :)