Monday, October 03, 2011

Letters! I get letters!

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Note: This post is Not Safe For Work, Mom, or Life. If you are faint of heart, scroll on past.
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Every blogger out there gets the occasional nutso comment or email. There's a dedicated group of trolls that reads HN and occasionally submits comments. I hear from the "ALL FEMALE NURSES ARE PERVERTS AND UNPROFESSIONAL" guy, the anti-vaccination folks, and the dude who claims to be an MD and says nurses don't know anything about anything, on a fairly regular basis. Sometimes I get somebody new up in this grill, and I always watch to see if they come back. It's exciting. I love my regulars, but it's nice to see a new face.

I got a comment on the post about the State Fair and the dude with an autoimmune disease the other day. I've sat on it because I couldn't decide what to do: ignore it, put it up and watch the fur fly, ask for contact info so I could excoriate the sender privately, or turn it into a post and let it rip?

Nice didn't win. Here's what somebody submitted:


You know what, it really sounds like you need to be serviced. I'm going to go out on a limb, here. I'm young (well, relatively so), hung, and I'll bang you. I'll make things right in your world, guaranteed. I know writing is a sort of release for you, but I'll give you a release that'll make you forget about writing for a good while....
You just name the time and place.


Ain't that something?

I have tried to take this point-by-point and be funny about it, but I really can't. I do admire the dude's grasp of basic grammar--unusual among trolls--but that's it.

Anonymous Commenting Dude, you need to cut back on the booze and the self-esteem. Only somebody drunk enough to be stupid and stupid enough to be mistakenly confident would ever submit something like this. Seriously, what were you thinking?

I mean, has this sort of approach worked for you in the past? Have women you've catcalled out of your car actually come running, hopped into the back seat while removing their clothing, and said, "Okay, baby, let's go"? Do the fifteen-year-olds you creep when they babysit for the neighbor's kids find your descriptions of yourself cute? Have you ever had an actual interaction with an adult female? I would think not, given what you seem to believe is appropriate for a conversation-starter.

I have less than no interest in getting "banged" or "serviced" by you. In fact, I've found that if a person, male or female, talks up their talents in any area, it's highly likely that they have no talents to speak of. (This is an oblique way of calling you a needle-dicked bug-fucker who couldn't find a woman's crotch with both hands and a candle.)

Plus, you're an asshole.

You probably got some sort of naughty thrill out of imagining me opening your email and sitting there, shocked expression and all. While you were typing one-handed, did you fantasize about how fast I would be posting a note asking for your contact info?

Did you have a vision of me laughing out loud, then showing your comment to everybody in the immediate area, emailing it to several more people, and collecting their extremely amused reactions? Because that's what happened. I wasn't creeped out or freaked out or turned on; rather, it was the funniest damn thing I've gotten in the HN inbox in years.

So why spend the energy to respond to this in public? Because guys who think like you do deserve to be mocked. (You really deserve to be humiliated, but given that I don't know who you are, I'll settle for mocked.) If I'd had the inclination, I would've found out your name and put it up here for the world to see, but you know what? Not worth it. It'd be too much energy expended for too little return.

Much like, I expect, being serviced by you would be.


Terry said...

go get him Jo,I can't stand creeps like that

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post!

I loved the way you handled this nitwit loser. Well done!

messymimi said...

Some people need better hobbies. Great response.

Silliyak said...

I envision Carl from Caddyshack (WV is STOREE)

Silliyak said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Margaret said...

Why, when strong women express an opinion, do some men think that all we need is a good banging? Sounds misogynistic and equivalent to raping to me.

(PS: LOL! the word verification for me is "remorse.")

Penny Mitchell said...

"needle-dicked bug-fucker who couldn't find a woman's crotch with both hands and a candle"


Karin said...

"In fact, I've found that if a person, male or female, talks up their talents in any area, it's highly likely that they have no talents to speak of."

So true.

Allison said...

Funny! Especially the needle dick and etc.

Anonymous said...


Girl, she's too fuuunny!


You go girl. This one just thinks he's got a lil' sumthin', sumthin'

Go back under the rock, please, troll (or hide under the bridge)!

WV, bet he's a specoeb (certainly a specimen of something).

Rosanna said...

(To post, or not, Jo----i.e., your call!):

#1) I grew up on a cotton/sorghum farm, where we had chickens; pigs; and a handful of cattle, with (usually) one milk cow. When it was time to breed a new cow, my Dad would contract with a local Cattle Breeder, who would bring a bull over in a trailer; and unload the bull in our cow pen.

The service bull was usually young, (or relatively so); "hung"; and ONLY THERE to impregnate the cow. When we kids were young, my mother used to keep us in the house during this event, and she wouldn't allow us to watch the bull, in essence, rape the cow; but my #4 younger brothers and I could still HEAR, (i.e., from inside the house), the moos/cries of the poor, totally-unsuspecting, accosted cow in her pen, as the bull banged her mercilessly.

My oldest brother and I pretty much understood what was going on, even though we were (at the time) still quite young; but my 3 very youngest brothers, at their tender ages, were simply kind of ............ "unsure/fearful" about it all.

To calm my 3 youngest brothers----(and I did this, because my mother, sadly, did not)----I used to tell them, "This is the way that NATURE has to work, (i.e., with animals), out here on the farm; but HUMAN BEINGS AREN'T LIKE ANIMALS; and ............ (even though you boys don't like girls very much right now!) ............ what's going to happen, though, is that you'll all grow up, and you'll TREAT GIRLS RIGHT, because *WE*............ A.R.E.N.'T. ~ L.I.K.E. ~ A.N.I.M.A.L.S.!! (And my 4 brothers, now all successful middle-aged men with wives and families, *have indeed* all grown up, treating women RIGHT ............ unlike "Anonymous," Above).

Maybe "Anonymous" never had anyone, (i.e., in his life), to explain the difference between *human* behavior ............ and ANIMAL behavior. (?)

#2) Incidentally, today after work, my good husband of 37 years ............ (who is your classic, honest, just plain ol' down-to-earth "guy's guy") ............ read your entire blogpost, (Above), including the Comment from "Anonymous"; then also your reply.

Afterwards, Jack was (uncharacteristically) silent for a few seconds----(i.e., letting it all sink in, you know)----then he spontaneously *whooped*, "GOOD for her!!"

I cringed, "That Comment from 'Anonymous' was really pretty CRUDE, wasn't it?"

Jack, (adroitly using one of his guy-isms), immediately said, " 'Just another stupid shit who ............ T.H.I.N.K.S. he's wonderful."

hoodnurse said...

I probably need to find a way to get the first two paragraphs of your letter to this guy to scroll across a giant LED board which I will then strap to my back while I ride my bike. It will not only increase visibility, but it would remove the need for me to take one hand off the handlebars to give cat-calling motorists the finger.
Thanks in advance for keeping me safe.

Elyse said...

There's something so supremely satisfying about a creep take-down effectively done. Makes the crude and rather dense individual behind the message seem even more so.

memune said...

Genetically speaking, it's sorta surprising guys like this still exist, since their chance of passing on their genes is ... iffy (dependent on finding somebody who finds this sort of thing attractive).

When I was a ball-bustin', high-heeled bitch of a prosecutor, a losing defense attorney once snarled at me that I was just out to steal his manhood, to which I repled, "Petty theft doesn't interest me; try the misdemeanor division." Sometime later, this same defense attorney (his record against me was sbout 0-100, I think), knee-walkin' drunk, cornered me at the local lawyers' dive/hangout and snarled/slurred (slarled? snurled?) "You know, you really need a good fuck."

Thanks to my mom, I had the perfect response: "I had one once. It didn't change my life."

I collect stories like this, Jo. Thanks for the addition to the collection. One of these days, this dood might just be a footnote in my doctoral dissertation: "Atavism in Sexual Communication: Does Anonymity Trump Biology?"


WV is "pences." Is that, like, the pennies a needle-dick like this goes for on eBay?

Heidi said...

Oh. Snap.

Nicely done, lady. Nicely done.

EDNurseasauras said...

The internet: consistently providing an anonymous platform for pervey lowlifes and trolls. One of my teacher friends used to refer to one of her colleagues as "Needle dick the bug-doer". Thanks for my biggest laugh of the day!

Anonymous said...

" (This is an oblique way of calling you a needle-dicked bug-fucker who couldn't find a woman's crotch with both hands and a candle.)

Plus, you're an asshole."

Dear lady, you are full of teh awesome!

Anonymous said...

Trying not to cry I am laughing so hard!

You go girl!

Chief-Medic247 said...

Ok,I'm totally new to your blog (thanks to "Reader's Digest"), and not five seconds into reading it I read this blog... I can't stop laughing and rolling on the floor reading your reaction to this, I should say, intelligence-impaired individual. Being a guy myself, I still don't understand why some our more socially-deficient kind think that this "cat-calling" will ever work. Don't get me wrong. I understand the thinking process of it all, but that's why you develop a "social-filter" so this doesn't actually come out of our mouth. What an idiot. You gave him exactly what he deserved. Well you now have a new faithful blog reader! Keep it coming!!!!

a bit-knit obsessive said...

I've just found your blog from reading the most recent Reader's Digest. I'm a nursing student, and I am most interested in an "inside peek" at nursing from an actual working nurse. You don't really get real information from your teachers :) I look forward to following your adventures. This post is hysterical, and I think you gave the guy what he truly deserved!

Anonymous said...

When I finally stopped laughing, I wiped the tears from my eyes and thought, "Oh, PLEASE let me someday have the chance to call an idiot like this a "needle-dicked bug-fucker who couldn't find a woman's crotch with both hands and a candle.'"

Jo - if I ever find the perfect place to use that line, I promise that I will give you credit - but I am absolutely stealing it. And the rest of the post contains so many levels of awesome I haven't counted them all yet. Well played, well said, well spoken!

Anonymous said...

Love your response, Jo! Especially asking him if this type of behavior has worked for him in the past! Sounds likemy EX-husband!

DJ said...

Hello Jo,
Just joined your blog (my first one) and totally enjoyed your commentto "anonymous", amazing what some will write and even more amazing is what they think of themselves while dismissing what normal folks think about them.

Haven't had time to check out the whole blog yet but "so far so good", keep up the good work!

DJ Smith Jr

Shakeitoff said...

Just found your blog address in November's Reader's Digest! Yaaa! I am a nursing student and am excited to have your blog to read as somewhat of an outlet.
All I can say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! Also, unfortunately, the troll sounds hauntingly like my ex-husband of 20 years... Yes, I am still recovering. :( But, in the true nature of a nurse, you just made me feel a little better! :) So, again... THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!