Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Product Review: Alan, I Am Saddened Edition.

Based on some fabulous reviews, I bought a bottle of Alan Cumming's cologne, Cumming. (Yes, yes, he makes all the jokes you'd associate. Now stop giggling.)

Now, I am not normally a cologne girl. I am especially not a celebrity cologne girl, but I was tempted for two reasons: First, because I love Alan Cumming. Second, because every single review I read lauded the peat, the whiskey, the cigar smoke, the deep notes of sandalwood.

And I am *not* a cologne girl. When I go out, no scent. When I go to work, no scent. Occasionally--*very* occasionally--I'll wear a single squirt of that Amazing Grace stuff Philosophy makes that smells a little like Mister Bubble, or a single squirt of Demeter's Gin & Tonic or Sandalwood. Hell, when I went to meet That Guy I Like the first time, I didn't even wear cologne. Don't like the way I smell? Cut yer damn nose off and eff you.

But, y'know, once in a while, a girl needs some options.

Let me tell you: This shit is da bomb. It smells like whiskey, smoke, rubber, peat, sandalwood, musk, and old library books.

For about five minutes.

At which point my weird body chemistry turns it into something you might've smelled back in 1987 on that dude from your bio class, the one that had the souped-up El Camino and the mullet, but who was somehow, inexplicably, still hot.

I do not want to smell like that guy. (I think his name was Robert; I do know he dated an absolutely gorgeous girl named Diana.) I don't want to think of that guy. I certainly don't want to be that guy, but now I have two bottles of cologne (they sent me an extra because shipping took so long) that will turn me *into* that guy if I'm not careful.

After a workout and a shower, the single squirt of it on my forearms smells vaguely like my paternal grandfather's study...which is nice, but I'm not willing to go through a workout and shower just to smell like Poppy's old law books. So I've offered it to an online acquaintance who loves it, and maybe she'll get some use out of it.

This feels a little like when I found out Alan Cumming is gay, and all the dreams I had of re-enacting "Posh Nosh" and scenes from "Spice World" flew out the window.

Alan, I still love you. Call me; we'll tie on some aprons sometime. No pressure.


Crabby McSlacker said...

That fragrance sounds heavenly and I don't generally wear them either. I tend to like boy colognes better than girl colognes--but a gay-boy cologne sounds like the best of both worlds. Gay men always smell so nice.

Next time I am in the Land of Large Department stores I may have to see if I can find a tester bottle.

But thanks for the 5 minute warning--I may have mullet body chemistry as well, so I'll definitely try before I buy.

Penny Mitchell said...

Okay, I read the description on the website, and seriously, it reads like The Onion.

Base notes of leather, peat fire, highland mud, burnt rubber and white truffle ground the scent with rugged sensuality, while the core notes of cigar, heather, Douglas fir and rubber contribute to its sharpness. The fragrance is completed with spicy top notes of bergamot, black pepper, Scotch pine and whiskey.

Douglas fir, bergamot, pepper and scotch pine I can hang with. If I want to smell like mud, burnt rubber, fire, whiskey and cigars, I have but to spend three minutes talking with the guy at the public trash compactor out on Country Road 24.

Carolyn said...

Ummm. Who the Hell can smell the white truffles after the burnt rubber topped off with a little cigar and scotch pine. Really? Really?!?

Who makes this shit up?