Tuesday, November 10, 2009

This may be the first time I've ever written a song in honor of a patient.

To the tune of "Mister Sandman":

Mister Dickwad,
Please get well soon;
Can't wait to see a diff'rent face in your room.
You drove me crazy for thirty-six hours,
You pushed the limits of my nursing powers!

Dickwad, I'm at the end
Of any rope I had: I am not your friend.
Please, please get out of your behh-heeed,
Mister Dickwad, heal up your head!

(Backup singers: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck)

Mister Dickwad, please don't you say,
That sterile fields make no difference each way;
Please don't imply that my training ain't real
Get meningitis: we'll see how you feel!

Dickwad, I've had enough
Of condescension and of your acting tough,
Please, please get out of your bed:
Mister Dickwad, heal up your head!

(Backup singers: dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb...)

Mister Dickwad, can't you shut up?
I need some Scotch, yes, at least half a cup.
I'm tired of your ass-grabbing behavior
Your weakened state here will not be your savior!

Dickwad, when the cops find
Your charred remains, I will be on their mind.
But you know I'll be acquitted:
Mister Dickwad, you are half-witted!

Sadly, this particular patient was alert, oriented in all spheres, and totally intact. Also sadly, he was just a bit too big for me to strangle efficiently.

Sometimes I just want to go back to waiting tables.

11 comments:

An Open Heart said...

I like the song....

S

ThirdDegreeNurse said...

I'm embarrassed to say that I think this is pretty funny. Hang in there, Jo! My sympathy. I feel yer pain.

pelican said...

I particularly like the harmonizing backup singers, but perhaps they should have stuck with the first chorus. BTW, my word verification is "doper."

Maha said...

Brilliant song and describes the typical dickweed all too well :D

Rat said...

heh heh heh heh.......I will nibble thru your IV line if you don't straighen up and fly right, Mister..... heh heh heh...don't tempt the Rat.....

Penny said...

"Backup singers: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"

BWAAAAA HAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Penguin said...

Jo, Love it! I shall wait for the first spin on public radio! People of those state of mind should have their own songs. Too bad they never see the humor in them.

Anonymous said...

Good thing you love your fucking job.

:-)

R.

Gert said...

It's brilliant!

GingerJar said...

Hey...I know that guy...He was in *room 15*, with a sternal incision, a chest tube and a bad attitude. Everyother word was F*ck and S.O.B., and he woke all the other patient's up screaming at the nurses...because we didn't get in there the *second* he needed to cough! I left at the end of my shift so fast you could taste the dust!

slipbananapeel said...

I will remember and sing this song often I think.