Tuesday, July 14, 2009

How to tell if you live in Texas, and What I Do On My Day Off, part 2:

I opened the refrigerator this morning to get milk for my coffee. Something green and scaly, with nice big claws, handed me the milk carton. I'd said "Oh, thanks" and shut the door again before I realized that whatever's in the Tupperware in there probably shouldn't have opposable thumbs. Looks like I'm going to be cleaning out the fridge today.

On the upside, whatever it is is keeping Notamus from leaping into the fridge every time I open the door. So there's that.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU LIVE IN TEXAS:

1. An oh-six-hundred opening time for the garden center sounds like a plan.

2. You grocery shop when it's dark, to avoid having your milk sour in the car during the three-block ride home.

3. Sweat is an accessory.

4. You have a refrigerator full of noncaffeinated liquids and very little else.

5. Not only do you know what "raspas" are, you have a favorite flavor, and you know that raspas are essential to surviving July.

6. Instead of lotion, you use Benadryl cream on your legs, for the mosquito bites.

7. The TV weatherman stands in front of banners that say "COOL" when the high is supposed to be only 91*F.

8. You can tell the difference between 104* and 109* when you walk outside.

9. You have a kiddie pool in the backyard for your dog. And you fill it with ice.

10. A margarita on a hot day qualifies as dinner--and nobody thinks you're a lush.

Lest any Yankees think I'm joking about any of this, let me tell you a true story about the weekend of the Fourth:

I was at my neighbor's house, on their back deck. It was a nice day, only 101* for the high. The temperature, though, doesn't drop much when the sun goes down, so we were all sitting out on the deck, with:

Two fans
A couple of galvanized tanks full of ice across which the fans were blowing
Misters going overhead
Gallons of bug spray
A baby pool full of ice water in which to soak our feet.

It struck us all that we were sitting in the midst of a whole lot of technology and ingenuity, all dedicated to keeping us cool enough after dark that we wouldn't get heatstroke.

And yet we did not go inside.

*That's* how you know you live in Texas.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Only 101* as a high and y'all were still sitting outside?

I live in Louisiana, and it's pretty hot here too. On the Fourth, we started barbecuing at 7:00 a.m. so we could be done with everything by noon, and it was uncomfortably hot then. When friends started arriving, we all sat inside eating, drinking, and enjoying the air conditioning. The high here wasn't as high as it was for you, but there was still no way we were going to sit outside.

Your list is so true. For the short time I lived in Texas, I rarely left my house unless I had to. It was just too hot.

Dr. Alice said...

Man. I have been working on a fanfic in which part of the plot involves characters in the process of moving to Texas, and yet I have not addressed the weather issue. I now realize I have to go back and put that in.

Bo... said...

That is hilarious! My Texan dad used to always say "Texanisms". His favorite was:

One day in Houston it was so hot that I saw a dog chasing a cat---and they were both walking.

Shannon said...

As a fellow Texan (Houstontian to be exact)...I concur. The weather is rediculous. As we were warming our bodies with adult beverages, we decided to stay inside on the Fourth. Except for the fireworks. But thank goodness for the extreme lack of rain over the past month...that meant a low mosquito count when we were outside!

Many props on this blog BTW. I check it everyday.

Rachael said...

I live in SW Louisiana. And yep, it was CRAZY hot. I swear if "texas" hadn't been in there over and over, I would have thought you were talking about here!

Lisa said...

I lived in Houston as a kid and I remember one summer it got to 120+ for several days.

woolywoman said...

So, you will hate me when I say we are having a heat wave, and it topped 92 today. The air conditioner at the hospital failed, and we went on generator twice. Maybe the fridge creature could come revamp our power plant?

Penny said...

You don't scare me. I'm still coming for a visit.

alicia said...

hahahahaha.. so true! My aunt lives in Houston and it is hotter than the devil's boxers down there! Sweat is soooo an accessory!

Anonymous said...

Live SE of Houston... I have to say you've hit it on the head there.. You get a heat stroke just by sitting on your porch.. yet we dont leave and go north.. lol Is there something wrong with us?