Tuesday, May 19, 2009

*sigh* >rubs forehead<

Very Simple Requests:

Please do not ride that stallion if you don't know for sure that he can be ridden. Stallions are not usually the first choice for riding. If the stallion can't be ridden, he will almost certainly either sweep you off his back by running under a low branch, or step on your head, or both.

Go to a bar with padded floors if you plan to fall off your barstool.

Do not--I repeat, do *not*--attempt to chew through the tubing that runs from your PCA pump to your IV line. PCAs have an anti-siphon device, which means that no matter how hard you suck on the tubing, you won't get extra medicine.

While we're at it, please don't try to hide Phenergan in your bed.

Or Oxycontin in your purse. I'll find it.

And don't steal the damn DVD player out of your room. I'll walk you down and find it when you're loading up your car. It'll be really embarrassing when I have to look you in the eye, smile brightly, and say, "I'll just take this back up to the room for you."

Helmets are a good idea if you're riding any sort of two-wheeled vehicle. This goes double for motorcycles and triple for bicycles, since the idiots riding bikes these days seem not to be able to stay upright. Or, for that matter, able to avoid running into large metal signs headfirst.

By the way: a 300-cc Vespa is not appropriate transportation on the interstate.

Graduation parties are nice. They're fun. They're not nice or fun, though, when they involve enough alcohol and cocaine to put you into an anoxic state for several minutes.

And speaking of cocaine, please don't try snorting it in your hospital room. I'll find out, and neither one of us will be happy.

If you really *want* to throw your IV pump across the room, go ahead. If you then want to protest to the police that you're ready to get the hell out of this dump, go ahead. We'll transfer you to County, where mama don't play. You'll discover the joys of five-point leather restraints. Have a nice day!

Live poultry is not allowed inside the hospital. Thank you for your cooperation.

Nobody ever said trying to dive from the second-story balcony into the pool was a good idea.

If you're trying to fake having had a stroke, please remember that one-sided weakness will always be present. It will not come and go depending on convenience. Also, please remember that everybody here knows who you are, so you might want to try slurring your words with everyone, not just with your nurse for the day and the doctors.

Likewise, if you're trying to fake a seizure, please be aware that seizures sometimes happen when there's nobody around. They don't happen suddenly, as you're reading a book, just when you hear me open the door. And they generally don't involve bending backwards in the bed and trying to touch your head with your heels. That's strychnine poisoning you're thinking of.

It's probably not wise to ask me out. Ever. My standards aren't brutally high, but "neurologically intact, mostly" is right there at the top of the list.

Sometimes I wonder who lets these people in.


27 comments:

NurseExec said...

This list was hilarious!

Molly said...

DVD players?! Geez, at my local hospital - which is a huge well known hospital, seeing as I live in the middle of NYC - you're lucky to get a TV that works.

...wait a second. Live poultry? Seriously?

Anonymous said...

Sometimes being a nurse takes some compassion and understanding.

Maybe you're in the wrong profession.

**Shakes head in disgust**

Anonymous said...

I like you. Do more!

Luke said...

Thanks for this great list, know that your pain and suffering has been converted into laughter.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see the reactions of other readers to the poster who thinks you lack compassion and understanding for people who use drugs in the hospital, steal the equiptment, and assault the staff.

mjt said...

Wouldn't it be amazing if a courtroom was run on this sort of wisdom (oh well, back to the real world)

Anonymous said...

Hehehe...I don't miss being in the hospitals, but I have to say, home health nursing has it's own share of useful tips. For example, please leash your ferocious ankle biting terrier or I may have to punt it across the room. Also, please make sure that your firearms are UNloaded and lso out of my line of sight or we may have to discharge you effective immediately! Thanks for the laughs, Head Nurse, you rock!

Rachael said...

This is why I love reading your blog. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! Thanks :)

Kim said...

I'm right there with ya! Thanks for having the balls to say it!

Anonymous said...

Cardiac ICU:
Do not sell your drugs to friends in your hospital room. There are no doors and the windows don't have blinds. I can see you, as can the police. Have a nice ride to your new room. you'll love the view.
Doing coke ruined your heart more than once. Do not do coke in the room and then expect morphine and sympathy after you infarct again.also do not scream at me because you aren't getting a new heart to replace the crappy POS you ruined with drugs.

tottergirl said...

Sometimes being a great nurse take being a bitch and kicking ass.

You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

My first day reading this, and as an aspiring nurse myself it is rather interesting (to say the least)! I'm thinking I will consult the Head Nurse more and more as I travel down the road to the hospital.

Jo said...

Live poultry....
Oh my....

Did you keep the eggs?

Thank you for a great laugh :-D

And I'm really hoping that the top Anonymous was being ironic...

Lioness said...

Honestly, how someone can read this and NOT get it is beyond me. I reckon we all know what sort of patient that first anon is. It would be funny, if it weren't sad. I commend your superhuman restraint!

PS - Have been meaning to ask you for ages and ages, I once left a huge comment on a dog post of yours re the dangers of gastric torsion and how to avoid it blabla - it never showed, did I make you pissy? It was totally unasked for, obviously, but all I was trying to do was save you some heartache. So apologies, if pissy you were.

Laina said...

Long time nurse, first time reader. this is awesome, I remember telling someone one night that i wasn't sure if it was more disgusting that the patient called me f*cking bitch, or when he called me baby.
There is humor in everything in nursing, and to anonymous. Compassion is born from good mental health, and laughing at the stuff that should make you scream is healthy.

GingerJar said...

Add to the list: Do not bring your advanced dementia spouse to stay the night in the room because there is "no one at home" to take care of her. You can't get out of the bed...and she keeps trying to ride the elevator to nowhere...and she is lost, confused and taking more time than MY patient's are...your KIDS can step up to the plate and take her to their house for a little bit!

Great post Jo.

Penny said...

Sometimes being a nurse takes some compassion and understanding.

Maybe you're in the wrong profession.

**Shakes head in disgust**

>>>>

Either Anonymous is shaking head in disgust at the idiotic previous two sentences, or Anonymous is shaking head in disgust at Nurse Jo, in which case Anonymous A.) has never, ever met and had a conversation with an actual nurse and B.) is a fucking moron.

I'm just sayin'.

Dan Gambiera said...

And people wonder why I left nursing...

Suzie said...

ha ha ha.....

Thank the good Lord that animals can't sell their drugs...However,the whole line chewing thing? It is not limited to the human population. Trust me.

RehabNurse said...

The coke one reminded me of one of our late patients.

Dude was snowballing and developed a SAH. What did he win, Pat?

A two week trip to the ICU on a vent until his dysfunctional family decided he was really brain dead. Your tax dollars at work.

And he was the one in that family who was most together (job, house, everything), some of our staff said.

Just pitiful...

Sader said...

I love this, I so live there, well except the poultry. Seriously? Live Poultry? I do have a thank you though:
To the family that stays with thier mother because she doesn't speak English, Thanks, everyone else should follow your lead.

ThirdDegreeNurse said...

You are so right on, Jo! Thanks for making my morning.

Anonymous said...

A nurse who loves what she does...reads this and laughs her ass off...while others think we're heartless bitches. As a nurse I laughed and COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD every single point.

nerd2nurse? said...

If you've been a nurse in a hospital, you understand. If you're still in nursing school, drinking the koolaid, or you're non-medical, you're like the idiot nursing student we had that gave my NPO dementia pt water "because it's immoral not to give someone water" without realizing the pt COULDN'T SWALLOW.

You go Head Nurse, I'd work with you anytime.

Yvonne said...

OMG!! Do you work in MY hospital? These all sound soooo familiar

Monkey's Momma said...

Yes, and it is never a good idea to shoot drugs into your penis either. Nor is it fun to develop MRSA in said appendage, and get mad because you then have to inform not only your wife, but your girlfriend and the girl you are cheating on both of them with !!!

Where do these jokers come from?