How to have the flu

Day one: Be amazed how very bad you feel. Take Tylenol. Lie down, covered with every blanket in the house, while dressed in a sweater, two pairs of pajama pants, socks, and a hat, and shiver.

Day two: Repeat Day One, while coughing.

Day three: Get some good drugs. Take them. Fall over into a shivering, feverish stupor, completely worn out by your hour-long trip to the doctor and pharmacy. Wake up. Eat some soup. Marvel at how good soup can taste. Fall over again.

Day four: Wake up. Ponder the fact that you are still alive. Take some drugs. Drink some coffee. Realize that this is the second cup of coffee you've had in four days. Sit on couch, worn out from making coffee. Once you're rested, make some soup. Eat it. Fall over.

Day five: Wake up. Look around you. Notice your dog is still there. Wonder who's been feeding him for the past few days, then remember dimly that some guy in a chef's outfit has been stopping by several times a day to check on you and bring you Sprite. Take drugs.

Pat dog. Let dog out. Notice that the weather is beautiful. Make some toast.

Sit on the couch and shake while the toast is cooking. When the toaster dings, drag self into the kitchen, amazed at how weak you are. Realize as you take toast out of toaster that the weakness is probably due to hunger. Devour two slices of toast with peanut butter and retire to couch with a cup of coffee. Read an OZ book, then nap.

Wake up. Decide soup sounds good. Have some soup. Go back to bed. Sleep for three hours.

Wake up. Take drugs. Tell self that if you have to eat soup again, you'll turn into one of Warhol's paintings of a Campbell's can. Plan sandwich for dinner.

Realize you are exhausted from sandwich-planning. Retire to couch with book; go directly to sleep.

Wake up.  Vow to self not to forget how absolutely crappy this past week has been, and that you will, in future, show more kindness to people who have to get out of bed after brain surgery and walk. Vow to self to have a better selection of soup in the pantry in the future. Vow to have an entire case of Scotch in the storage room. 

Blog.

Fall over. Sleep. Dream of sandwich.

Quick Tips:

1. If there is no mail delivered in The Most Important City in The Most Important State Of This Here Union, Yee-Haw, you know that the weather was bad that day.

2. Similarly, if you roll down your car's window and the quarter-inch-thick sheet of ice on said window sits there, and you are then able to punch a perfect cartoon hole through it with your weakened fist, you know there was a lot of ice last night.

3. Codeine cough syrup, while not as blindingly effective as Tussionex, is quite the bomb. 

4. It also makes all the keys on your keyboard be in the wrong places.

5. If your hair hurts, you have the flu (this is the official word from the NP I saw today).

6. My temp is down to 101.2. This is better than 102.6 or 103.1. I am tired of sounding like a radio station.

Doin' it old-school style

I have the flu. The good, old-fashioned, can't-sit-up-for-more-than-thirty-minutes FLU. With a temp that hovers somewhere between 101 and 102.4

And because the Weather Gods hate me, the threat of icy roads/actual icy roads/generally bad conditions has closed not only my doctor's office but every doc-in-a-box in the area for the last two days. 

Which means I'm starting Day Three of Old-Fashioned Flu. Which means I'm no longer a candidate for antivirals. Which means I'm riding this out old-school style: leapfrogging acetaminophen and ibuprofen, forcing fluids, and wishing desperately for some cough syrup.

I know I railed against Tussionex last time I was sick, but right now I would happily pay a hundred bucks for a dose of the stuff. I'm so high on dextromethorphan (which doesn't work; I know that, but I'm desperate) that I can barely walk straight.

This morning I woke up at 0430 in a drenching sweat, thinking "Thank God! My fever's finally broken!" It had--to 101.

*sigh*

So it may be a while before I post again. I'm going back to the couch.