Friday, November 25, 2011

It's like I put a quarter in the scumball machine.

No, I will not hide you from the cops who have come to investigate your lousy ass for leaving the scene of an accident in which you hit a pedestrian while cracked off your noodle.

No, that minor forearm injury will not qualify you for disability.

No, you may not leave the critical care unit to smoke one with your buddies.

Yes, I do intend to start this IV on you. You can threaten to hit me all you want; it's still going in.

Yes, we enforce visiting rules. No, conjugal visits are not an option.

Get your child out of the CCU. Now. I have already explained this to you twice. You cannot smuggle a toddler in under your coat and not get found out.

You do indeed have gonorrhea. Sorry. Now roll over and take this shot.

And you do indeed have syphillis. All the shouting in the world won't change that; besides, it's annoying the Clampetts on the other side of the curtain.

You may not see your "clients" in my unit.

Telling me that you'll sue me if I do one thing you don't like is not the way to build a therapeutic relationship. Neither is having your lawyer call me to demand details of your care. There is such a thing as confidentiality.

Yes, I am a fat bitch. Pointing that out neither hurts my fee-fees nor makes me more inclined to be cheerful.

Thank God for little grannies who come in with their unfailingly polite, helpful family ranged around them. Grandma can hold court from her bed as long as she likes, and you guys can stay as long as you like, bandanas and weird droopy-ass pants and all. You may be scary looking, but you're obviously good to her. You're also very nice to me. Thanks for the chicken pot pie.

13 comments:

Penny Mitchell said...

I was wondering, frankly, why Beloved Sister and I got to literally live in your room for days on end when you had your surgery. I was wondering why no one mentioned "visiting hours" or "Honey, you really can't sleep on that couch." I was also wondering why your nurses were going out of their way to bring me more comfortable bedding for the couch I was not supposed to be sleeping on.

So, in other words, that Carpenter I try to follow, and His statement of, "Just treat people the way you want to be treated"? I guess maybe it really is that simple. Huh.

messymimi said...

A slice of life i don't often see. And if one of my kids ever behaves that way, you have my permission to sit on him/her.

Linda Carole Bloom said...

Love it. Yes!

Rosanna said...

Earlier this evening, my husband and I went to the local Denny's Restaurant for dinner; and----when I went to the BR----one of the younger waitresses, (i.e., about 18, or so), was at the far left counter sink, washing her hands. She had a short, *Goth-BLACK* dyed bob, with the (L) anterolateral side of her hair professionally shaved, (almost down to her scalp), except for a small, about 4-inch-long "corn tassel" of flowing hair, vertical to her (L) temple............ dyed a bright *International Day-Glow GOLD*. (You might say that she "stood out," you know!!)

When I said, "I just LOVE your hair!!" her porcelain-smooth, almost flowerlike, *S.A.D.* young face, (wearing only black mascara, skillfully applied)............ simply lit up............ i.e., just like *C*H*R*I*S*T*M*A*S*!! She said, "My Mom hates it, though; and people sometimes look at me like I'm one of those Bad People, or something; but YOU really LIKE it??" I replied, " 'Sure do; and when you're young, THAT'S the time to kind of experiment with hair color and makeup; plus, if you don't like your hair, it'll just GROW out!!" Her fresh young face just beamed............

I SO admire people like you, Jo, (and the Above Commentors, too), who carefully "look beyond" the bandanas and weird droopy-ass pants and all, to really SEE............ any good, nice hearts that *M.I.G.H.T.* be therein............ (i.e., particularly if the good, nice hearts aren't immediately evident either)!! 'Super----(kick-a**-real AND also very profound)----Blogpost today!!

woolywoman said...

Yup. Be nice to the nurse- nurse be nice to you. Be crummy to the nurse- every rule I have and then some will be enforced.

You get really good care, either way, though.

Anonymous said...

What corner of the Twilight Zone do you work in??? It's like the freakin' Star Wars bar!!!

Silliyak said...

Life lesson, whenever you interact with someone, you are being given the attitude test (and vice versa BTW) It's most obvious with police, only slightly more subtle with firefighters and medical professionals.

'Drea said...

Thanks. That made me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy. You know, the last part about the grandma which made me remember by own...

shrimplate said...

What woolywoman said. t goes withou

t saying that we always give the best care that we can. Some patients get it with a smile; others, they might get it with a rather neutral countenance and probably a little less amusing banter, too.

Orfyn RN said...

One of my favorites was the woman who showed up for outpatient surgery with three kids in tow and was astonished that we could not spare a nurse to look after her kids for the best part of a day.

Anonymous said...

Hey, just take those kids to the library and dump them there. Or, maybe the bank cause they have a nice big lobby. Or the mall with a bag lunch and stern warnings to not talk to strangers and mind your brother/sister (all of 6 or 7 years old). Geez, some people treat their kids worse than most pets and some people treat their pets better than they do their kids or parents or other folks. Its sometimes a screwed up world cause of all the really stupid people living in it. Sigh. Got that out of my system and I feel better.

Anonymous said...

This post is hilarious. I don't work in the medical field but I do work in retail and, I promise you, I can't count the crazy things I've been (a)asked (b) asked to do and (c) requested to look at.

Anonymous said...

Here's one for you.

http://www.thethingspatientssay.com/2011/11/memento.html