Tuesday, June 28, 2011

What you should never, ever do.

You should never buy a five-bill German vacuum, no matter how much disposable income or desire for Teutonic clean you have. Never, ever.

Because if you do, you'll end up with a cute little blue vacuum that has all the personality of a milkmaid and all the determination of a Dalek. And you will vacuum. And you'll find, as you vacuum, that there are things that you maybe might have missed vacuuming for the last four years.

Like your walls. Your walls.

Your walls, that have dog hair and cobwebs up near the ceiling. And wolf spiders as big as your thumb lurking in the baseboards. Yes, I screeched like a girl. Then I complimented Ms. Wolf Spider on her coloring and put her gently outside. But anyway.

Your Blue Teutonic Charming Vacuum will enable you to vacuum those walls, and the doors, and the tops of things that have dust on them, and then maybe the kitchen cabinets, because boyo, don't those have some dust on them? And then you'll get to the baseboards and suddenly realize that all the little delicate moldings on the mirror in the dining room probably trap dust too, so you'll vacuum that.

At this point, Max will get annoyed. You'll pull out the TV/DVD player to watch a movie, but you'll realize that those are both covered with dust, so you'll vacuum them. And then you'll think about your office, and how your desk hasn't had any glass in the windows for ages, and you'll open a bottle of wine and go vacuum the office.

Which will lead to vacuuming the bathroom walls and the storage drawer under the stove and the cabinet where you keep the rice and the utility room.

Max will have long since gone outside to get away from the eternal, infernal vacuuming, and your toenails will not be Tiffany-metallic blue, and you will have drunk a half bottle of wine without realizing it.

And then it will come to you that, in order to get the kitchen walls really clean, you must scrub them with Method spray soap and white melamine scrubby things from Target.

Which is why you should never buy a five-bill German vacuum, no matter how cute it is.

*** *** *** *** ***

Excuse me. I just realized I forgot to vacuum the back side of the guest room door.

18 comments:

girl_in_greenwood said...

Now, of course, your vacuum is braying "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" as it cleans everything in your house. Right?

nicoleandmaggie said...

Love it! ITA understand.

We don't have such an awesome vacuum, but we have a post somewhere queued up about what happens when partner cleans a countertop in the kitchen and how that relates to the broken windows hypothesis.

Christine said...

um.. how far away do you live.. I could you the help... my house would love that vacuum ;-) LOL

Cr0w$C@lling said...

I love the melamine scrubby things from Target!!! I was washing my windows with them this afternoon.

gaptoothsanta said...

It's so true. Mine is blue also, and it's the only vacuum I've ever had that doesn't cause the cat to run and hide.

messymimi said...

Thanks for releasing Ms. Wolf Spider. "Be Nice to Spiders" was one of my favorite books as a kid, and i still like the critters.

So, do you think such a vacuum could do anything with a house that sports 5 cats, a multitude of foster kittens, and enough cat hair swept up every week to knit a new litter of kittens, if we ever needed one?

bobbie said...

LMAO!!!

WV ~ "ruccus" Poor Max...

AtYourCervix said...

You may come clean my house. Anytime.

kr said...

FYI, I have had one of those "five-bill German vacuums" for about 4 years and it still works! Totally worth it (other than the extra cleaning you find yourself doing)before my vacuums died once a year.

Crazy Daze said...

Ok, I have to know the name of this vacuum!!

Anonymous said...

What kind of vacuum do you have? I'm in the market for something amazing.

Penny said...

I have a question about this vacuum: I know you've told me before, but I am dubious and therefore need reassurance. How often do you have to change the bag on this adorable little monster? The PIECE OF CRAP Dyson that, yes, sucks, has to be emptied every two minutes.

And I'm NOT exaggerating.

The chamber fills up that quickly. It's two minutes of vacuuming, two minutes of emptying. Two minutes of vacuuming, two minutes of emptying. This is not amusing, as you might imagine.

Seriously, the crappy Hoover I had 30 years ago was a better option.

If you can convince me that the bags only have to be changed...hell, once a WEEK would be an improvement...I'm going to seriously consider dropping the coin on one of these things.

Eileen said...

Crazy Daze - I suspect it may start with an M and ende with an e with the letter iel in the middle. They have a model for pets which I'm told is ace! I don't have pets and prefer an upright because of arthritis problems so I patronise real Dysons (not made in China) - I'm a Brit and they are fun and funky machines. But both have extended working lives! My Dysons have all lived at least 6 years despite being used during professional building projects and most Miele products are expected to have lives well into double figures (you can get spares for over 20 years!).

But dust is patient - if you don't clean it today it will still be there tomorrow. But I do know the embarrassment of discovering how dirty your home is - the first Dyson I bought the salesgirl said she'd felt as if she needed a bag over her head when she went out to empty the drum (no bag to hide the dust)!

LaLa said...

and now I am also curious as we just got hardwood floors throughout the whole house this year, and my bulky upright is not safe to use on them...

so is it a M-iel-e? If so, which one and would you recommend for households where there are pets and humans that don't particularly enjoy vacuuming? I had to go look at them and I think I have vacuum envy now.

Scrub Ninja said...

You had the vacuum already in your hand when you found a wolf spider, and you let the critter survive? You're a better man than I, Gunga Din.

Eileen said...

Penny - surely it fills up quickly because it is sucking out the dust that that Hoover left behind - which is why it didn't fill up so quickly ;-) My latest Dyson has a one touch empty feature - hold the drum over a bin bag (or whatever you call them), click, shake to empty and replace in position. No problem, no bag to fool with, clean house. Eventually you catch up with the left-over dirt. What always gets me is - why would anyone want fitted carpet for all that dust to hide in ...

woolywoman said...

I hate cleaning and I like mine. I stuck googly eyes on it. It is lovely.

Annie Knowby said...

Ohhh wow, this happened to me while I was dog-sitting. I'm waiting on that disposable income... but I found a purple monster of a German vacuum that was especially well-suited for getting up MASSIVE amounts of dog hair. All I did was vacuum. I think I freaked the homeowners out a little...