Friday, May 13, 2011

Well! That hasn't happened in a while!

Today a patient grabbed and shook me as a terrier might shake a rat. Although I am, in my own opinion, prettier than most rats, and most terriers I've met--Jack Russells included--are saner than this guy was. Baseline asshole, cray-cray secondary to Versed. I put the flat of my hand on his chest, pushed him back, and hissed "Lie the fuck down and shut the fuck up and don't do that again, asshole" as the surgeon behind me went wide-eyed and silent.

It had already been a long forty-five minutes. I'd discharged all of the patients from the neuro CCU, so I was down in surgical CCU to help out. Five minutes after I walked in, a patient came rolling up from surgery, having had something complex done to a carotid artery. We were all settling her in--the Mankiller, the Manhandler, and I--when something odd made her monitor go "bonk bonk beeeeeeeep." I figured it was me, since I was futzing with the cords and unplugging things, until I heard people in my immediate vicinity shouting the patient's name.

Oh.

God, I hate it when that happens.

Shortly after that, CrazyPants rolled in, and so I was tasked with calming down a shouting, punching, shaking patient who'd just had a throat resection.

Right now I've got something obscenely cheesy baking in the oven and I am drinking white wine. My sister sent a hand-me-down in the shape of a gorgeous blue-green dress that I was born to wear, and a cute little hand-knitted uterus with Fallopian tubes. I am going to watch Dr. Who again until my head explodes and then check my upper arms for bruises.

14 comments:

Elyse said...

"Lie the fuck down and shut the fuck up and don't do that again, asshole" -- um um um I think I love you! No...I'm sure of it! bwahahahabwa ... "therapeutic communication" .hahaha. whooo boy Jo you're the most funnest iconoclast in the whole world.:)

Red Stethoscope said...

Wow! What a night! Enjoy that wine and relax, lady!

Sarah said...

I have spent a bunch of time pondering workplace violence this year, for my own reasons. Glad that you stood up for yourself, and glad that surgeon didn't tattle. Not so glad he didn't stand up for you, tho.

If that had happened at Wal-Mart, it would be a 911. But it happened to a nurse working in a hospital, so it is no big thing.

Enjoy the wine and the fabulous baked cheesy goodness.

jimbo26 said...

Beautiful .

Heidi said...

Yeah, when I was a little newer and a patient would try to hit me I'd dodge and gently say "Oh, Mr. SoandSo... it's okay... everything's okay... I'm just trying to help."

But now... I block the motherfucking punch and tend to say something like "HEY! You are NOT ALLOWED TO HIT ME." Or, if family is not present, "cut. it. the. fuck. out."

It's enough to make a girl a little crabby, that's for sure.

woolywoman said...

Oh, hell, I hate that. I spent three months with nerve pain all down my hand from an idiot wriggling loose of his restraint and yanking my arm while I was starting his line. Those head and neck CA dudes are the worst- wiry, crazy, detoxing SOBs. Who some how don't seem to have a lot of family around who want to learn their home trach care, you know? I mean, there are, I am certain, some truly lovely people who have the misfortune to get that type of cancer, but as a group I tend to make sure there is nothing to nearby that they an strangle me with when I have to place their lines. Poor you. How does your manglement respond to patients giving nurses bruises?

messymimi said...

Excellent response.

Cr0w$C@lling said...

I'm so sick and tired of nursing being cannon foder for entitled patients and docs.

Any other place that perp would be charged with assault and battery and you would get a med check to make sure you weren't hurt.

Penny said...

Ah, shit. ((((((Jo))))))

Rosanna said...

I so hope, Jo, that whoever sees you in your gorgeous blue-green dress, (i.e., if you wear it soon), will remember how prettily it complements your red hair............ and *not* that it complements any ecchymotic discoloration from bruises----(that you, hopefully, don't have!)----on your poor upper arms from that combative patient!!

shrimplate said...

Two things:

"Dude! How many times have I told you! Never lead with your right, you dumbass. Lead with your left and then follow through with your right!"

A stethoscope can be a weapon.

Anonymous said...

Once again... many reasons I have very little respect for nurses. I heard one yelling at my 6 year old SEVERELY brain damaged daughter RIGHT AFTER MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY AND WAKING UP CONFUSED AND SCARED AND UNABLE TO SPEAK (she can not speak due to the brain damage) to stop "fucking screaming" and was getting ready to clamp her hand on her mouth as I walked into the post op recovery room. My sister is the Attorney General for the board of nursing in my state... this bitch lost her license. I own every asset she had.

Why do you people become nurses if you can't stand your patients? Just a thought. I am tired of abusive nurses who decide to take out their frustrations on elderly and children who are very vulnerable and unable to help themselves. Of course, then again, it's not a very hard degree to obtain and most nursing students I have seen are extremely trashy....

Sacha said...

That anonymous guy has no idea what its like to be a nurse.. Try walking in our shoes for while and maybe he'll understand.
I think that was an awesome response to that patient!! I bet it worked too and he was compliant afterwards haha

Caroline said...

Hey Anonymous, I'm glad you had one bad experience with a shitty nurse and decided to lump all of us into that category. ?!??!

Sorry for your kid...mostly because she has a total ignoramus for a father. I hope your enjoying all of the many assets that nurse had. Wow.