Gneh.
Sorry for the further cancery postingage. I just can't seem to get my head around work. Specifically, I can't understand why a person who is manifestly unable to maintain their own airway would be moved off a ventilator on a critical-care unit and into a floor bed, only to decompensate within about twenty minutes and have to be reintubated and returned to the CCU.
Sometimes cancer is easier than dealing with people. Especially doctor-people. Especially doctor-people who are not experts in patients who can't breathe and who therefore choose to ignore the advice of those doctors who specialize in the Not-Breathing Patient.
Anyway, I got an appointment with Obdurator-Dude today. For those of you who slept through the first half of class, an obdurator is a plastic widget that closes an open palate. Given that I'm going to lose a nice chunk of my palate during surgery, I'll kind of need an obdurator so I don't have macaroni and cheese coming out my nose every time I speak.
Lovely.
Apparently these things are made of solid 26-karat Unobtainium with a Marvellium augment. The up-front cost of the damned thing--and this is actually about a third of the real cost--is going to be more than a thousand smackers. Don't leave your obdurator on the cafeteria tray, kiddo!
Don't let this be you!
Plus, the one guy in the state with whom my surgeon likes to do business is an inconveniently long way away, in an inconvenient part of Yeehawville. Oh, well. They're seeing me tomorrow for X-rays and molds (eugh gneh gneh herk bleh) and bleeding and so on. If this dude is not attired in green lederhosen, sitting at a workbench, carefully sculpting each prosthetic by hand as his eyes twinkle over his half-moon glasses and bluebirds twitter around him, I am going to be really fucking disappointed. You'd think for three grand you'd get a couple of bluebirds.
I have also ordered several Books On Cancer. This is an important step in the Holy Shit I Guess I Really Do Have Cancer process, as I generally only read about things in real honest to Frog books that I want to know more about. The Interwebs are fine and all, but highlighters don't work on my LCD screen. All these books have to do with emotional wellness and nutrition, two subjects about which I do not know nearly enough. Plus, I've got a buddy doing research on those things for me, so I think I'm set there.
Holy shit. I guess I really do have cancer.
And with that, I'm going to go have a sandwich.
I likes your cancery postingage, and I'm not writing that in a special voice, or with a special face.
ReplyDeleteGood grief, that thing is weird lookin'. Maybe I should watch the video but will you have to take care of it like dentures or something? Can you at least pop it out when you want to freak out little kids like old people do with false teeth? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWait, no video! What I thought was a "play" arrow is part of the device. I'm trying to get used to monovision contacts - can I blame that? Otherwise, blame Monday morning!
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, I guess my friend really does have cancer.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not quite grasping that.
I like sandwiches.
ReplyDeleteSome new docs think they are too smart to learn the easy way -- from other people's experiences. They have to make their own mistakes, and I feel sorry for their patients, now and in the future if they don't wise up.
ReplyDeleteNice word, gneh. Says a lot.
As for the prosthetics guy, I hope his office is also at the end of the rainbow, for that price.
Your comment about laderhosen and bluebirds made me laugh so hard I spit coffee out my nose.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the smile.
Enjoy your sandwich!
ReplyDeleteIf this dude is not attired in green lederhosen, sitting at a workbench, carefully sculpting each prosthetic by hand as his eyes twinkle over his half-moon glasses and bluebirds twitter around him, I am going to be really fucking disappointed. You'd think for three grand you'd get a couple of bluebirds.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that is one of the funniest things I've ever read. I like your take on this. Yes, it's all a pain in the ass and expensive to boot. But it'll get you through this and you'll be able to eat.
There's a muscle in the pelvis called the obturator internus. I think of it every time you say obdurator.
ReplyDeleteBut holy shitskees, seeing this gadget really makes it all more real.
I keep thinking it's like a denture and you need a sealant goo. But surely it's gotta be more like a goo-less retainer, no?
I take it peanut butter and caramels are not going to be your friends post op. Did they give you a list of verboten chow for when you're free to take the obdurator for a spin?
Holy shitski - maybe the obdurator is made by 12 year old Texas virgins. When you are done using it you will have to frame it in a shadow box and charge admission for a viewing! Here's hoping the fitting goes as good as possible. I sure wish this was all a nightmare and you would just wake up.
ReplyDeleteLordy Gretchen there are now two of us who've attempted to "play" the obdurator pic by hitting the off-center triangle hahaa
ReplyDeleteNot sure what I expected..probably something along the lines of it sprouting extremities & a face saying "Hi! I'm Ollie the Obdurator! And I am one fascinating guy, lemme tell ya!"etc proceed cheesy edu-video
I can say from experience that mac n cheese coming out your nose is a highly over rated experience. I didn't have a hole in my head though. It was violent morning sickness.
ReplyDeleteThe nutrition research is a good idea. You can find out good foods to eat while going through treatment as well as foods that will provide the most nutrient bang when you don't feel like eating but need to eat something.
Head Nurse, can you get it in a variety of colors and designs? That is what you can get with a regular retainer. Perhaps you could get one that has a New Yorker cartoon on it?
ReplyDeleteI have a possible blog entry for you--since you have gotten many books on cancer, what about movies about medical professionals who undergo a life-changing experience and are better and/or worse for it. I keep thinking of a movie in the 90s with William Hurt called "The Doctor". Maybe the sappiest example of a movie compared with the most accurate example.
We are thinking of you. Keep on writing!
Liz
I'm with Liz for fun colors and maybe details and yeah I want a neat carrying case too! Will you have to wear at night or only when eating?
ReplyDeleteI think it's fine for you to post about your cancer when you feel like it. I mean, yeah, there are arguments in favor of not dwelling, but you're not made of stone, right? This is a huge thing happening to you, and you need a space to process it. If people get tired of reading about it, they can always go read one of the other gazillion blogs out there.
ReplyDeleteFYI - you need to go over to www.the-panopticon.blogspot.com - no, I am not suggesting you take up knitting oranything - but you really need to see the new shirts etc that he has designed. I think your sense of humor is similar enough to mine to appreciate them!
ReplyDelete20% lidocaine paste. Tastes nasty. The Red Cross brand is my personal favorite.
ReplyDelete"You'd think for three grand you'd get a couple of bluebirds."
ReplyDeleteI haven't laughed as hard all day as I did at this one line. Jeebus.