Then I took a pain pill because my throat hurt. Then I got paranoid because, twenty minutes later, I got all dizzy.
So I sat down and had a nice little chat with myself, which made everything better.
Until the bed sneezed.
I had just finished making it, laying the American Heritage (made in China) quilt over the comforter and hunting up some pillows for the guests I'm having this weekend, and it sneezed.
I looked over my shoulder at the perfectly flat, perfectly even bed. I make my beds *perfectly*. It's a leftover from my anxiety-ridden, OCD past and nursing school: you could bounce a Humvee off the bottom sheet if you wanted.
Staring at bed. Bed perfectly flat. Corners perfectly even.
And it sneezed again. An audible, ordinary "a-CHOO!" came from somewhere in the bed.
So I stood there for a minute, wondering if Sneezing Bed was a symptom of something I should be concerned about. I pondered what, exactly, would make a bed sneeze, as I use hypoallergenic mattress covers and pillows. I wondered if the bed could perhaps be allergic to cotton.
The bed sneezed a third time.
I quit pondering and started stripping. Under the quilt, under the comforter, under the top sheet, where I had not noticed him, was Notamus. Flat. Dozing off. Under all the blankets. Sneezing himself awake.
He's now on the couch, where I can see him. His brother is on *top* of the bed, on the outside of the quilt, curled up. They're both adorable.
For two minutes this morning I wondered if hallucinations came along with everything else, and why on earth I would be hallucinating sneezes.
Given your line of work I would think hallucinating about illness would be correct. Now, when you start trying to take the temperature of a chair you suspect is drug-seeking, we might worry.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't yet, and laughing until you cry isn't too painful, go read Hyperbole and a Half's newest post.
I little levity, eh?
ReplyDeleteI just caught up on my blog reading. I am sorry about your diagnosis. What I know of you through your writing....well, let's just say cancer has nothing on you and your spirit. You will WIN.
♥
S
My bed has sneezed too, orange tabby.
ReplyDeleteBarb
I once picked up a load of dirty clothes that squeaked at me.
ReplyDeleteThere was one of the bottle feed foster kittens hiding in it.
Hilarious how they can do that and make you question your sanity.
Love your sense of humor!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe Day the Bed Sneezed. I love it!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh this evening.
Bet you thought you had had one Lortab too many when the bed sneezed! Bless you and your fur babies today.
ReplyDeleteAh, you have a feline that happens to be a blanket weasel. I've had several over the years. ;)
ReplyDeleteFun, when you have one that also likes trying to dart outside and you can't FIND the little @#!$ for hours until the bed starts MOVING... or sneezing.
Bed sneezing: actually there are risk factors for this. More that one cat, certainly, more than one cat that look the same as each other (eg: two all black, two all white, etc) increases the risk of bed sneezing exponentially. In addition, once you have experienced bed sneezing, you are at extreme risk for experiencing sofa pillow yowling and slipper attack.
ReplyDeleteIt's a great compliment to your hospital corners. My Burmese would only sneak into my bed on days when the covers had been changed. It's amazing how flat a cat can get once hidden under quilts. I did once lose them in the bedroom, only to find that they had somehow got into the top cupboard of the wardrobe, and were too scared to get out again.
ReplyDeleteIn other news, I will issue a very British "Bugger" on your latest update. I am also sending over a very British Stiff Upper Lip, which you can use if you want, or throw to the floor and stamp up and down on it ferociously if that helps at all. Thinking of you,
Pixi
Ahhh, the burrowing cat phenomena. I too have a burrowing cat who will creep under the covers, try to dig into the mattress to get under the covers and loves it under there. Wierd! I've never had a cat like this before...I think its a specific variety like Manx or something. Probably bred somewhere to dig for mice.
ReplyDeleteJust started reading ya this summer, love your writing! Thanks for the snaps of the animals. My cat's were out-side cats, cause of my Nose.Adopted from the local Barn at the racetrack, great hunters...would bring me all sorts of things ewwwww! I am sorry to hear about Mr. Lumpy who's turned unto Mr. C. Don't know what to say but here's a big ol hug!
ReplyDelete