*sigh* >rubs forehead<

Very Simple Requests:

Please do not ride that stallion if you don't know for sure that he can be ridden. Stallions are not usually the first choice for riding. If the stallion can't be ridden, he will almost certainly either sweep you off his back by running under a low branch, or step on your head, or both.

Go to a bar with padded floors if you plan to fall off your barstool.

Do not--I repeat, do *not*--attempt to chew through the tubing that runs from your PCA pump to your IV line. PCAs have an anti-siphon device, which means that no matter how hard you suck on the tubing, you won't get extra medicine.

While we're at it, please don't try to hide Phenergan in your bed.

Or Oxycontin in your purse. I'll find it.

And don't steal the damn DVD player out of your room. I'll walk you down and find it when you're loading up your car. It'll be really embarrassing when I have to look you in the eye, smile brightly, and say, "I'll just take this back up to the room for you."

Helmets are a good idea if you're riding any sort of two-wheeled vehicle. This goes double for motorcycles and triple for bicycles, since the idiots riding bikes these days seem not to be able to stay upright. Or, for that matter, able to avoid running into large metal signs headfirst.

By the way: a 300-cc Vespa is not appropriate transportation on the interstate.

Graduation parties are nice. They're fun. They're not nice or fun, though, when they involve enough alcohol and cocaine to put you into an anoxic state for several minutes.

And speaking of cocaine, please don't try snorting it in your hospital room. I'll find out, and neither one of us will be happy.

If you really *want* to throw your IV pump across the room, go ahead. If you then want to protest to the police that you're ready to get the hell out of this dump, go ahead. We'll transfer you to County, where mama don't play. You'll discover the joys of five-point leather restraints. Have a nice day!

Live poultry is not allowed inside the hospital. Thank you for your cooperation.

Nobody ever said trying to dive from the second-story balcony into the pool was a good idea.

If you're trying to fake having had a stroke, please remember that one-sided weakness will always be present. It will not come and go depending on convenience. Also, please remember that everybody here knows who you are, so you might want to try slurring your words with everyone, not just with your nurse for the day and the doctors.

Likewise, if you're trying to fake a seizure, please be aware that seizures sometimes happen when there's nobody around. They don't happen suddenly, as you're reading a book, just when you hear me open the door. And they generally don't involve bending backwards in the bed and trying to touch your head with your heels. That's strychnine poisoning you're thinking of.

It's probably not wise to ask me out. Ever. My standards aren't brutally high, but "neurologically intact, mostly" is right there at the top of the list.

Sometimes I wonder who lets these people in.