1. All together now: If you have to jack with it, it's wrong.
2. The amount of time it takes a patient to announce "I'm not a junkie!" is inversely proportional to the probability that the patient is indeed a junkie.
3. The amount of irritation a particular order, procedure, patient, or request will produce is directly proportional to the number of sleepless nights the ordering resident has had.
4. The messiness of handwriting is directly proportional to the difficulty in getting hold of the person who wrote the order.
5. The amount of feces a patient produces during a shift is inversely proportional to his level of consciousness.
6. The difficulty level of a drug calculation is directly proportional to the drug's dangerousness.
7. Benzoin never washes out.
8. Bile will always land on whatever is white.
9. The patient on several different interacting medications will always have a general practitioner who does not do blood levels of those medications.
10. Everything happens after 0400/1600.
11. The probability that a patient will survive a code is inversely proportional to the likelihood that they will be declared DNR.
12. Any attempt at efficiency will, sooner rather than later, be met with Three-Stooges-like complications.
13. The lift is never on the floor when you need it.
14. The high-risk profile for terminal illness includes a happy family, a good job helping others, and a cadre of devoted friends and relatives.
15. Elevators fail to work during codes.