1. Little Billy has had vomiting, diarrhea, and a low-grade fever for four days. Do you:
a. Keep him at home until his symptoms subside
b. Take him to the pediatrician for evaluation
c. Stock up on Pedialyte and ride it out
d. Take him to the hospital to see Grandma, who just had an open aneurysm clipping?
2. You arrive an hour and a half ahead of your admission time. On being told there will be no bed for fifteen minutes, do you:
a. Go outside and peacefully smoke a cigarette
b. Pick up a magazine and look at the pretty pictures
c. Engage in charming conversation with your spouse
d. Exhibit behavior that requires a visit by Security, a call to the cops, and an arrest on charges of assault and battery?
3. You are concerned about your mother's well-being. Do you:
a. Ask your mother's nurse for updates during the day
b. Ask the charge nurse for updates during the day
c. Ask the doctors for updates during the day
d. Walk into the nurses' station, open your mother's chart, and then exhibit behavior that requires a visit by Security?
4. You are an employee at a busy hospital. You have a cold. Do you:
a. Stay home with DayQuil and some movies
b. Sleep it off at home
c. Have friends bring chicken soup to your house
d. Come to work, snot and sneeze all over everything, and infect half the floor?
5. You are a doctor writing transfer orders for a patient. Do you:
a. Ask the charge nurse for the transfer order protocol
b. Write the transfer orders on independent order sheets
c. Make the effort to have legible handwriting
d. Jumble transfer and in-house orders together in an impossible scrawl and, when told that's not acceptable, exhibit behavior that requires a call to Security?
If you answered A, B, or C to any of the above questions, you are not qualified to come to the hospital in any capacity. If you answered D to any of the above questions, please come on down and join the herd of a whole lotta stupid that's been goin' on.