I opened my email box yesterday afternoon, about an hour and a half after posting "Gee, Officer Krupke!" and found more than two dozen emails. Some were comments on the blog postings about my brain; others were just emails, sent to say "hang in there" or "throwing yourself under a bus is a bad idea" or "look at me; I'm stable and healthy and have been doing this for thirty years".
I can't thank you all enough. It's a relief to know, of course, that you're not alone, but it's also a relief to know that there are people in the world who are nutjobs like me but who can also use paragraph breaks and spell correctly.
A couple of points I need to clear up: I am not going to toss myself off a high building, or even a low one. Suicide is not attractive in the least.
Also, I'm feeling better. Either I have the fastest chemical-reaction time known to man or this is the placebo effect; either way, I'm not arguing. This happened the first time I upped my dosage of Effexor, from 37.5 to 75, even though "everybody says" that it takes a week or two. I'm a little speedy yet, but feeling much better.
Too, I think I figured out what Doc Pedro meant by "rapid cycling". The last time I saw him was March of 2005, and he didn't get the date right. He thought I'd gone from peachy to miserable in three months, not in fourteen. Regardless, I'm still going to find a shrink. I got a little grumpy when I realized Pedro hadn't read my chart right, for Chrissake, but that just reinforces my next two points:
Doctors are human and can screw up, especially in minor ways, especially when they're stressed out; and,
It's never a bad idea to hold up a hand and say "Wait. Stop. I don't understand." If *I* can fail to do that, as somebody who's used to dealing with doctors all the time, *anybody* can.
Still, shrink it is. Brain chemistry is a specialty, and I have some questions about my med that Pedro couldn't answer.
Thank you all again for your emails and comments. It was really and truly like being borne up on a huge wave.