Product Reviews: Lovely Lady Lumps Edition

Here it is again! Reviews of products you might could use, wish you didn't have to, and ones you would rather avoid!

1. Title Nine "Because She Said So" sports bra:

I got sick of wrapping my boobs in two or three compression bras, so I bought two of these. They make me resemble a lingerie model from the late 1950's, but that's okay: I don't bounce. At all. Ever. Even at a dead run, or hopping on and off of a step during some new torture routine Attilla the Trainer has devised. The nice thing about looking like I'm All Boob, All The Time is that there's not as much squish to the side, so I can still do things like bench presses without running into the sides of my own breasts.

Verdict: I will only trade these in when I find another Title Nine bra I like better. I bought mine a cup size smaller, just FYI.

2. Rimmel "Volume Flash" mascara in brown:

Due to the fact that I had to give up a pile o' cash for home renovations, I'm not shopping at Sephora for things like Christian Dior mascara any more. Instead, I prowl the aisles at the local Target. And I came up with this mascara, which (dare I say it) works better, stays on longer, and clumps less than even my beloved Dior. Plus, it has one of those really skinny, ineffective-looking brushes that lets you get to every single lash.

The brown is a nice light brown, suitable for somebody with very fair skin and lashes. The only downside is that it's a bit difficult to remove: I find that my usual face-wash stuff put on without water takes it off. Any dilution results in my looking like a football player or a boxer, post-eight-rounds.

Verdict: Rocks my socks, and for only $7.99!

3. Joe's Frozen Chitterlings, pre-cleaned:

No, I did not buy these. I mention them only because I stood before the freezer case in my neighborhood grocer's, amazed that there was such a thing as frozen chitterlings. And that "chitterlings" was spelled the proper (rather than the more charming phonetic) way. "Chitterlings", for you who've never eaten them, is pronounced "chitlins" and are intestines.

Anyway, they're available frozen in some parts of the country.

Verdict: I'm not eating *anything* in the way of pre-cleaned, pre-packaged soul food unless it's Glory Greens and I'm in a hurry.

Speaking of food:

4. Balance 100-calorie Caramel-Vanilla snack bars; Soy Joy Almond-Raisin snack bars:

I mention these together because, together and separately, they are nearly the nastiest things I've ever eaten. I got 'em because they're both small enough to fit in the breast pocket of my scrub jacket. They taste horrible. The Balance bar is 100 calories of oversweetened, cardboard-like stickiness; the Soy Joy bar tastes like almond extract gone bad with an undertone of sawdust. I'd rather drink retsina than eat another one of these ever again.

Verdict: Yeah, they're expensive, big, and calorie-laden, but cut a couple of Odwalla Banana-Nut bars in half, and they fit in your pocket. They actually taste good, too.

Verdictal postscript: I'm trying to think of anything nastier than Soy Joy that I've eaten more than once, and I really can't. I tried the second Soy Joy in the conviction that nothing could taste that bad; that I must've been imagining things. I wasn't. Avoid.

5. Med-Prime suture removal kits:

I hate these fucking things with the burning hatred of a thousand suns going supernova. Med-Prime, my ass. Try Cheap-Shit Medical Supplies That Will Drive You to Drink. The "iris scissors" included in the suture "removal" kit are loose-joined, dull things that simultaneously pierce your patient's skin and refuse to gnaw through the suture in question. Some dickweed bought these for the hospital. In response, we're all hoarding the decent suture clippers; the sort that look a bit like bypass pruners in miniature.

Verdict: Anyone who orders these for hospital use should be condemned to having one thousand #2 silk sutures removed from some ticklish part of his anatomy with the scissors. God, I loathe them.

6. Dansko "Calla" clogs:

The winner, and still, after two years, champeen of the clog wars. Mine are wearing out only now. I plan to buy two more pairs with my next paycheck, because, at $115 a pop, they are Not Cheap. However, they hold up well. You can roll a bed over your foot in 'em and your toes won't break. And, unlike other Dansko clogs, the heels are nice and wide so you won't fall off of 'em.

Verdict: Trade in the Professionals, if you're the clumsy sort, and try these.

7. Target Boxed Wine:

Of all the damn things. Target actually carries wine! (Well, mine does. Along with those cute Pommey POP champagne bottles that come with a package of straws and are bottled by the same people who make Veuve Cliquot, so it's actually pretty good, but anyway.) Target boxed wine comes in White: Pinot Grigiot, White: Chardonnay, Red: Merlot, and Red: Something Else. They're drinkable, but not outstanding.

Verdict: Good for a big party, where nobody's going to be discriminating. Plus, the technology is kind of cool. Plus, at $11 for the equivalent of four bottles, how can you lose?

8. Jezebel dot com:

A great website for celebrity gossip, makeup tips, and girly things in general. Unfortunately, going to the website caused my computer to be infected with Brave Sentry, a malware program of a particularly nasty sort. In fact, now that I've upgraded my firewall, installed malware detection software, and regained access to my computer's registry, I can see that I get an average of 128 attempted downloads *each time* I visit Jezebel. Try Too Fat For Fashion or Faking Good Breeding instead.

Verdict: Unless you want to spend four hours fixing your computer, avoid.